1976

convictions

From my Morning Pages this morning;

'Some hope onto this page, into my heart! Because please! These convictions! They - none of them mean anything beyond the boundaries of my flourishing and over-active imagination: not really.
It's a beautiful idea to think of it all along Chinese (medicinal) lines: I'm diagnosing the (in-) balance of NOW & confusing it with ALWAYS!
Right now I'm disappointed & sore & tired. Of course I am! & Right Now can be a long moment - let's say the past 2 years. Almost. It doesn't matter. Right Now - including large chunks of 2010 & '11 - is not Always. It's NOW.
Everything flows & changes. It does. I know it does - of course. The Me who is, now, is the self-same Me who never thought she'd be a mamma, standing upright, here (and all that includes), to make Art! It's not the exact same Me, because we ebb and flow and change - but it's essentially the same lost soul of... 2002, to name a year. So things change, they heal.
If I believe that - and I do, I have to, I live it! - then WHY do my own home-grown + nurtured convictions (especially when I see they change like leaves, over a matter of just days at times!) settle into all that I AM?!
Grieve, cry, be sad about what isn't, sure! Healthy, even!
But to swallow it, to cartilage the whole thing & make it a Truth?! Not a good thing; not okay, not healthy, not helpful!, not necessary & definitely not Truth.

Amazing, awesome & soul-deep!
Focus on & cry for NOW, not Always!
What an insanely simple relief!'

Feeling a whole lot better, when I really didn't think I would, for a long time. I hope it might make you think differently about something you have been holding onto unnecessarily. There is hope, there always is. I don't usually do posts like this, but I needed to fling this out there. It just felt that way!

aloe

toy

On our first day in South Africa, Squirt got a wire car. A toyota, even! A gift from his grandad ('oupa Afrika') that had been waiting for him for months :) Within hours, he was fluent with the steering wheel, and he never left it anywhere he couldn't see it :) It really was awesome to watch him with that thing!

Of course, I couldn't leave it out of my 'Africa sketchbook', so I drew it. Eventually ;) It took a while to build up the courage to tackle this thing! And it took me hours...

I was convinced that if I could draw this, I could draw anything. Of course, that's not exactly true - I've already proven that to myself ;) But it was - probably - the hardest think I ever tried to draw, and I'm definitely proud of how it turned out!

clown

wishes

Birthday card for a friend :)

compliment

That's what my husband said to me, once, months ago. That I can be rather blunt. And he's right. There are times when I'm behind closed doors, that I'm not all that interested in being politically correct, in the benefits of doubt, in extenuating or mitigating circumstances. In other words, I'm not always... nice. I can't always let things go. Turn the other cheek. Hide what I really think.

But I don't liberally share my vinegar. I'm getting better at being me these days, at being open about who I am and what I believe in. But I generally don't vent my opinions about any and everything. I'd like to think I'm being honest when it's warranted, when it helps, when it contributes.

Except when I'm not. When I shoot from the hip. It happens. I'd even go as far as saying it happens more often than I'd like to admit. But only behind closed doors. In front of the people I trust most and feel safest with. Which makes it a compliment. It's not a pretty one, or a comfortable one, or even one I'm proud of giving. But it is a compliment. That's what I'm saying, and I'm sticking to it ;)

logo

I drew a logo for my neighbour/friend who wants to start selling her crochet and knit work. It says 'wollol', which sort of means 'fun with wool'.

I'm so psyched about it :) This morning, faced with an empty house and hours to spend on whatever I wanted, inspiration - of course - didn't come. Until N asked me to design a logo - if I had nothing else on. Synchonicity? Well, okay, not really. I had texted her asking her what to draw ;) & it just sort of happened - the flow! It only took me 2 hours of drawing, scanning and a little Photoshop-time, plus two cups of coffee while my designs were being scrutinised ;)

Only thing is - now I'm full of energy but I still don't have inspiration. I guess I'm free to do nothing with the rest of this day then?

p.s. N said the smile I show below looks a little fake. Hah. I took a photo of myself and displayed it on the internet - that's quite enough honesty for one day!

self

Self portrait. For the hell of it. Because it's raining. Because I have the house all to myself. Because I was struck again by the beauty of the blue wall :) And because it's been too long since I was both in front and behind the camera at the same time!

It's good to document. Even if it feels odd (or especially when it does?).

back

It's been a while. Euphemistically put. Life got in the way, as it does from time to time. I've been living in my head. My art supplies had to wait it all out. They didnt like it, and neither did I - hindsight, anyway.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of growing. I had another miscarriage in June (my second) and fell apart a little. I picked myself back up and looked at the grand scheme of things. Browsed a book or five and kept what was useful. I got deeply into acupuncture - or should I say it got deeply into me? - and am a lot better for it. I went to Africa and learned some more life lessons. One of them is that my brushes need me. Or I need them, but that's semantics ;) I started volunteering at the local Fair Trade giftshop & love it. Despite the fact that it's an expensive hobby ;) & last but not least: my baby is potty trained and ready for the world. He loved Africa, too.

I've got quite a few drawings waiting to be posted. And I fully intend to do more :)
This? This is a start :)

Thank you so much for still being here...