gratitude

You are amazing. I just wanted you to know that. I am blown away by the heartfelt comments on my last blog post, and the ones before that. Thank you so much for taking the time to support me and lift my spirits when I'm being awkward about my art. It really means the world to me!

I know that at times it seems I'm nothing but awkward about my art, but I'm not. Not all the time :) I just need to dump, sometimes. To let go of some of the stuff that's cramping my style and making it hard to listen inside.

I love it - so much! - that you talk to me! It really does help!

I've been doing way more painting than I've been sharing here lately, but I will post about that later. There's a reason why there is no illustration to this post :) I want to do something for you. To say 'thank you' properly. And to wish you happy holidays!

If you leave me a comment here or per email (turquoise.tortoise(at)yahoo.co.uk) and send me you postal address (email or in a FaceBook message), I'll send you a handwritten card of my own design, per post :) Because I really, deeply, appreciate you being here.

quiet

It's been quiet here... I'm well aware...
November was a busy month, with 3 family birthdays, including Squirt's and mine. And I actually celebrated my birthday for the first time in years, which made it a bit of a stressful event! And of course, after that, Sinterklaas came to visit on the 5th of December, which took some careful plotting and planning (not to mention shopping and wrapping!) as well.

There's a couple of weeks left till Christmas, so the next while should be quiet. I'm totally ready for some relative quiet. I feel like I've been running around like a headless chicken for longer than I care to remember, and I'm not entirely sure where I left my head! But I'll find it - I always do :)

I have been anticipating creativity for the sake of being creative. Out of my birthday money (thank you SO much, friends!!) I've ordered some amazing books on how to live the artist's life, and some on inspiration, and I've been breathing & browsing them over the past week, wishing there was time to dive in. I've been telling myself time will magically reappear after the first week of December.

But the crazy thing is, time has never truly been away... There's been less time, perhaps, but I could have gotten a few brush strokes down, every single day - if I'd really wanted to. The honest truth of the matter is, I've been afraid. I mentioned it before, and it's still with me. I have no idea where it's coming from. Or maybe I do. Part of it is, that I want to do so much that I don't know where to start. Part of it is in having seen too much intimidatingly amazing work from other artists lately. Paralysingly so. I've been feeling so inspired, that it's turned into a block. Or something. I can't put my finger on it...

What I did know yesterday, was that I had to put something down onto paper. I just had to. I was beginning to feel like a fraud, having all these books on living an artist's life lying around, not actually feeling like much of an artist... So I picked up a ballpoint pen and started drawing from a photo I took of Monday's lunch. Straight to pen, drawn & coloured in 30 minutes. And part of the whole facing the fear, doing it anyway (one of the books that's waiting for me ;)) - I knew I had to post it here.

The fear has been telling me that I can't draw or paint. I can try, but it won't come out looking like it was meant to do. I'm not writing this because I'm fishing for compliments, but because that's what is on my mind. But I don't think this drawing came out bad at all :) Especially not for someone who's been telling herself she sucks, consistently, for weeks!

It all comes down to breathing. Pushing through, and doing it anyway. And I just did. I so need to ignore my inner mean dude more and just do!

What's holding you back from jumping in? How do you deal with irrational fears? I'd love to hear!

Day 26

It's my birthday today, & I'm not keeping my age a secret ;) I'm not ashamed ;)

I am proud of who I have become over the years. That's not something I say lightly, not something I say easily, but it needed to be said. It's been one hell of a trip so far, but I think I'm getting closer to being who my inner 3-yr-old wanted to be when she grew up :)

This past year, including our move (in fact, the actual moving started on my BD last year!), has been the best year in a really long time :)

Today, I'm grateful for my beautiful 'old' friends, and for the lovely & amazing new friends I've met since I turned 37 :) I'm grateful for the fact that I finally feel like I've got something to offer and to share. I'm grateful that those who knew me 'when', stuck with me through a whole lot of anguish and crap.

Here's to friendship. I feel a lot stronger for knowing my friends, for finally living geographically closer to them. I always knew it would be beautiful - & I've felt SO incredibly alone without, living away from the people I knew, hardly knowing my neighbours for the previous 11 years! This is the first year I'm actually feeling in my bones what it means to have friends! I'll be celebrating you with food today, people, lots of food & cake :D

Day 21

Oh my gosh! Proud for persevering far outside my comfortzone! I don't do faces! Let alone large, center piece faces! You can see why ;) But this happened, and I stuck with it. And as if that's not enough, I'm publishing it, here. Sorry folks ;)

Today's gratitude is for regaining my footing after weeks of being lost, somewhere... I'm not all there, quite yet, but I'm on my way ;) I'm grateful for being able to call myself again on something without freaking out, screeching 'FAILURE!!' This was a battle going on on the inside, mostly. Outward (outside) appearance; calm and composed, for the most part.

Yesterday I caught myself thinking vicious thoughts. About other people, and myself too, eventually. The kind of stuff that really doesn't help. And it's hard to shut up that voice, but I made a start. Drawing this helped. I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson this morning, and that helps too:

I could write my name at the age of three
and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me
I'm a big girl now, see my big-girl-shoes
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me fall overboard...

That bit. Not the rest. Unless it's me, because I am always trying to catch myself. Hard work, that. But always rewarding, if I stand still long enough to feel grateful & thank myself ;)

Thank yourself today. For something! It really does feel good!

Day 17

I've been a little obsessed with blue & orange lately! Ideas kept swimming in my mind, and I set out on a little quest to capture them in photographs :) There is a lot of blue & orange out there, and I'm not sure I'm finished with it. But this is my final cut for now (haha). These 5 are framed and ready to go up in the hallway, as sort of a little private exhibition - if you're in the neighbourhood, please drop in :)These two - A4 in an A3 frame! - are on the living room wall, hanging over the couch. I love how patiently Squirt cooperated with these for the price of a couple of blue and orange smarties :D The one on the left was him showing a couple of sweets to the camera of his own accord - he's a natural ;)

Today's gratitude is all for creativity. I love this buzz, ideas that keep coming, refusing to leave! To be quite honest, I have a little bit of paint-anxiety right now... No idea where it's coming from or why - yet. But you know what?! It doesn't matter! Because for the past couple of days, I found a different outlet for creative fever, and it's all good. I'd almost forgotten how much I love my camera, too - so maybe it's all because I needed that reminder!

mission

Rant & lesson for today -
It's actually totally warped to want people to appreciate all the upheaval you are facing, too. The fact that some people perpetually think their problems are bigger, should point you to notice the beauty in your life. To take it on as a compliment. To smell roses! To be more compassionate and kind - both to yourself and to others! To be graciously grateful.

‎& how I suck at that! Do you think it's a women's thing? To want to be appreciated for our struggles, instead of our ability to see silver linings?

Day 13

This was scary! I'd wanted to try drawing outside, in a public space for ages, but I just wasn't brave enough. Yet. Today, I brought my art journal and some not much used supplies (crayons and felt tips) to Artis Zoo. I wasn't sure they were going to leave the bag I carried, but bringing them made me feel good :)

Until we got to the Butterfly Pavilion, where it's nice and tropical, and I could sit down on the floor. This is not necessarily what I wanted to draw - I would have prefered to draw an animal, but this was the spot we chose to sit, so this was the stuff that ended up in my journal :) I brought paper for Squirt too, and we sat drawing together, which was awesome! It was cool to hear people whisper that it was a great idea!

I'm totally impressed with myself :) I'll be doing more of this! I'm grateful that today I plucked up courage and drew in a public space, with unfamiliar media & a subject I wouldn't have picked naturally. I stepped outside my comfort zone in a big way, and it was amazing! I really needed something like this right now :)

Day 9

Yesterday, we went on a little Road Trip by Bike! Inspired by Stephanie Levy & her awesome Creative Courage e-course. Taking a detour to go shopping, looking at things we would normally just pass, stopping where we wouldn't on a run-of-the-mill Wednesday :) We had a lovely time, me & Squirt, and when it was time for bed, he asked me if we could do another day like this tomorrow :) That was probably partly inspired by the fact that we had poffertjes (sort of small puffy pancakes served with melting butter and powdered sugar) for lunch, but still! We had fun together!

Gratitude for today? Definitely, for taking the time to slow down. There is a drawing in this, but it's in the Work in Progress-stages still. I'll share it when it's done!

Day 8

On Tuesday, I spent my creativity on creating these mice for Squirt :) In the Netherlands, it's customary to share a little treat with your class mates when you've had a birthday, and Squirt went for... cheese! Which is quite funny when you know he tells me (and everyone who'll listen) on a daily basis that he really doesn't like cheese! On occasion while munching on a piece of cheese. Adding that he likes this cheese, but most definitely not 'the other cheese', whatever that means ;)

Gratitude only in the fact that I finished them on time :)

Day 7

True story... My mother gave my grandparents a cake set for their 12.5-year anniversary; 1 large cake platter and 12 plates, decorated with different fruit & leaf patterns. It must have been around 1960. The platter and 8 plates had survived years and years of good use, and I inherited those when my oma passed away.

I used them for the first time last Sunday, for my home-made birthday cake, and my mom was so happy to see them out and in use, in my house...

Sunday evening, when I tried to put the stack back in the cupboard, somehow, 7 out of 8 plates slid off onto the kitchen floortiles. And broke. They didn't just break really, they shattered. Leaving shards everywhere. I cried while we cleaned and threw them away. I still haven't told my mom. I know it's going to make her sad, too.

I drew this plate on Monday, for AEDM, day 7, while eating the last piece of chocolate cake. I was thinking about my grandmother, my oma. These plates have been the center of every cake-worthy celebration since before I was born. They were a symbol of family to me. With my grandmother in the middle of that small safe universe.

I am grateful to my grandmother, for showing me what family is all about. Lots of good stuff, all about warmth - especially when I was a little girl. And lots of wise stuff, about people. My grandmother always saw the best in people, except in herself. She passed away in March of this year, and I miss her.

Update: I just phoned my mom to tell her about the plates... Her response? "Well, I guess it was their time then. I was amazed that they lasted this long!" How's that for mindful wabi sabi wisdom? ;)

I had an idea. I have my birthday coming up soon, and I've asked my mom to come cake-plate-shopping with me. I'd love to find plates that will go with the large platter, and she's going to gift them to me for my BD. That way, I'll still sort of have grandma-mother-daughter plates that will hopefully last till it's time to bequeath them :)