balance

You might not think so, from reading here, but we have lovely days, too ;)

When my head is busy, I tend to use this blog to spill. I need to spill somewhere. I think, rethink and overthink, and it needs to go somewhere. To stop it from spinning & swirling, if only for a day or two. But I have a life, too. I like to think that spilling here makes me more able, elsewhere. Places where I need to be able no matter what. When it comes to my kid, I'm there. He sees me sad, he sees me kicking at life, of course - & I honestly believe that it helps somewhere, later in life, to know your mother is a human being with strengths, struggles and weaknesses, which is another discussion - but he gets my most able, too!

We walked through the woods, over the sand dunes to the beach, yesterday. We had some crisps and drinks on the sand, and while Squirt and his dad wanted to find out how cold the water really still is, me and ouma (my South-African mother-in-law is visiting for two weeks) looked for shells. Nothing like the beach to bring out the inner little girl :) 

We walked back to the car park and had a very late... dunch? linner? I don't quite know what to call food at 3.30 pm, but it was good :) 

Everyone else had pancakes, and I had tuna salad on freshly baked, crunchy-crust bread.

One quarter of a slice, immortalised! I didn't do the texture of the salad any justice, but I practised, which is awesome, right?! ;)

We walked about 7k, got sun-kissed (most of us) & sun-burnt (husband) and had a lovely day :) So this is what happens in this life of mine, too. When I'm not here chewing on something, finding feet. I do that a lot - finding feet. Thinking. Overthinking. I won't pretend I don't. But it's not all that's going on, either. We do funny, light, happy around here, too! Just thought you might like to know ;) I went and found my feet where they actually hung out!

life

Basically, life is a layer cake.

And baking layer cake - eating layer cake & all - will create mess. 

And I know it's all inside your attitude towards the mess, really. As Nini and Robin pointed out, life has a tendency to curve, and so do moods, adaptitude, flexibility. So do the yays and the Fabulous. They veer off and they curve back!

I know I've used a lot of words to say this before, and I will use many more, but that's what it boils down to, always. The layer cake, the mess and your attitude. 

I'm still waiting for the next curve in the road, to reconnect with attitude - always looking busy while, but still; waiting for bendiness to return! What are you waiting for, these days?

bone

I'm not throwing you a bone - I would never throw you a bone... If you're here and you're reading this - I appreciate you way more than you'll ever know! This is a bone for me... To remind myself that this is a place I like to hang out. To show some movement, even if it's corner-of-the-eye stuff. Because I want to be here more than I am, and I promised myself to keep a candle burning. Seeing that I'm still unable - but trying! - to make it a blazing home fire... ;)

After all that hard stuff, I'm not home quite yet - never mind the blazing fire! I'm not everywhere I want to be. I'm still figuring stuff out. Finding out about what's important to me, and how to make it all fit into my life is hard, hard work. And it takes a strong stomach. I feel queasy, some days, but I'm working on it ;)

And I've been busy. That, too. I've been designing Christmas cards to sell - printed them, dropped them off, to see a few actually sell! - and I drew and painted the above, sort of commissioned! I came up with an idea, showed the initial sketch to my lovely neighbours - who wanted to buy some of my Christmas cards to send to their business clients! - and they paid me to finish it :D

I've got so much to say about - making art to sell. Much of it is philosophical, some of it is about the hard work involved, and most of it is - about me, I guess. Whether I'm ready, to go there and put myself into it and behind it all. Whether it's worth the effort. Whether I actually love it enough. If I'll ever be able to really feel proud - from my toes. But that's another blog post. If I ever find the time ;)

It's interesting to find myself here - with these questions - after promising myself my art is for exploration and for soulwork. For finding the me inside this life. Until it's for something else. I had no idea something else was around the corner when I promised myself to be mindful about it all. But then again - these Christmas cards, this commissioned piece - maybe that's it, maybe that's all. & maybe - perfectly maybe - it's all okay, whatever is next. But I need to get my head to rest around that. And that's the hard part, right now.

So here, in this moment, this is it. Corner-of-the-eye movement, like I promised myself. Just to prove I'm still around. I was here, this morning. Not for long, admittedly, but I did show up!

slogging

myth

I love advertiser mythology ;)
Of course, since this tea is in my cupboard, I've bought it; hook, line & sinker...
It's lovely tea, honestly. But I can multitask. I can throw a hissy fit while sipping!

Day 9

Yesterday, we went on a little Road Trip by Bike! Inspired by Stephanie Levy & her awesome Creative Courage e-course. Taking a detour to go shopping, looking at things we would normally just pass, stopping where we wouldn't on a run-of-the-mill Wednesday :) We had a lovely time, me & Squirt, and when it was time for bed, he asked me if we could do another day like this tomorrow :) That was probably partly inspired by the fact that we had poffertjes (sort of small puffy pancakes served with melting butter and powdered sugar) for lunch, but still! We had fun together!

Gratitude for today? Definitely, for taking the time to slow down. There is a drawing in this, but it's in the Work in Progress-stages still. I'll share it when it's done!

Day 8

On Tuesday, I spent my creativity on creating these mice for Squirt :) In the Netherlands, it's customary to share a little treat with your class mates when you've had a birthday, and Squirt went for... cheese! Which is quite funny when you know he tells me (and everyone who'll listen) on a daily basis that he really doesn't like cheese! On occasion while munching on a piece of cheese. Adding that he likes this cheese, but most definitely not 'the other cheese', whatever that means ;)

Gratitude only in the fact that I finished them on time :)

Day 6

It's Day 8 of the beautiful month of November, I realise that... I'm playing catch-up from the get-go, here. I knew this would happen, which is why I'm taking part in both Art Every Day Month and 30 Days of Giving Thanks on the QT.

As far as AEDM is concerned, doing the work isn't the challenge, so much. I seem to end up doing something creative every day, whether it's an intention (mostly), or not :) It makes me endlessly happy, that does! So AEDM is great, because it's making me aware of how much time I spend on creative projects! I tend to complain a lot about not having enough time to do all the things I want to do, and it's true: I have way more ideas than time, for sure. But I do get to my creative work. And that needs saying too :) I'm grateful for recognising what I get to do!

The challenge is in the posting about it all! Do the work, enjoy myself and blog about it, too? That's where it gets trickier!

And then there is Shannon's challenge. Giving thanks each day of November. Gratitude is beautiful. When you do it right, when you try and feel it to your toes and back, it's kind, it's soft and it's mindful. It creates space, too. Space in your heart, space in your mind and space to breathe. I know this. I've known it for a while. But I have to admit, I need practice.

It's sort of heartbreaking to be honest about this, but being grateful is really hard for me. I'm a recovering perfectionist. There are so many sides and sidelines to this that it probably warrants a whole blogpost of its own, but I'll keep it simple for now. It's hard, because as a recovering perfectionist, I'm still having a hard time letting things go. Realising that there is no shame in leaving things as they are. That there is beauty in imperfection. That I don't have to make everything better, and improve upon improvements, perpetually. That there is space to BE. And breathe. And enjoy.

To be truly grateful, you have to be able to be still. To take stock of what is; not of what's going to be better if you get to tweak just a little more. And that's hard. I'm getting better at it, but it's still hard. A challenge. One that I need. For my soul (thank you so much, Shannon, for making me aware of this!)...

This is part I of my art for November 6th. I cut myself some slack and used Photoshop Elements on the painting I made for my friend's card. After all, she wasn't happy about the design per se, but I was! I made this painting with my birthday boy in mind, and so it was always going to be for him. I had never coloured something in PSE, but always wanted to, so this made me happy :) And I'm pleased with how it turned out!

And this? This was an exercise in letting go of the inner critic :) I was going to order a birthday cake. What with all the stuff and stress on my mind, I was going to be kind to myself. And then, just like that, I decided to just go for it! I'm not a pastry chef, but I can bake a cake! It's a brownie cake with lots of real chocolate inside & on top, moist & yummy :) To be honest, maybe more in honour of me the mamma than of the birthday boy, but hey! I was celebrating being a mom just as much that day ;) And I made some coconut-banana muffins for the kids, so I'm not feeling guilty ;)

My gratitude for day 6 of thanking in November? It goes wholeheartedly to my baby boy... Who is as far from being a baby boy as any three-year-old can be :) He's awesome!! He's more and more becoming his own self, with likes and dislikes, hugs + kisses & a dead-cool sense of humour :D

He changed my life when my life needed changing most. I'd almost given up on myself and my place in this world when he came along. He made me want to be the best mamma I could be, and for that I had to become. Full stop. I had to re-invent myself, drag myself up out of the mud by the ears and start believing in myself. You have no idea where I was. Neither do I. But I do know that I'm here, like this - getting stronger, wiser and more true to myself every day - because this amazing little boy, this gift came into my life when he did, three years and 2 days ago...

That's gratitude from my toes...

Birthday Boy

sprouts

Brussels sprouts, to be exact. In honour of the fact that, allegedly, according to my mother, I'm the only grown-up (also, allegedly!) who's never overcome her - let's say aversion to these abominations.

Of course, fate dealt me a kid who loves them. By exception (click!), he got lucky! I needed a couple to draw (note to self: it's hard to try and mix the same colours a day later!), he got to get rid of the evidence :)

I stayed at my parents' house for a couple of days last week. A little too long. Something about childhood indignations and their apparently endless shelf life seems to bring me Brussels sprouts. Go figure!

drugs

spoiled part II

A while ago, I wrote this post. About not being ME, not being true to my soul, not feeling much at all - until through messy vermilion ink something came out. I entered that post in the Dirty Footprints Studio Art Journal LOVE Day party giveaway (I know, it's a mouth full *;)*) because the Me who made that messy heart and wrote that post felt that some bravery was in order.
And then something awesome happened: I won a prize!! I honestly can't remember when I last won anything!!
Barbara of Creative Fires Studio donated a pack of Swiss ephemera including chocolate - that is, Swiss chocolate! - and I was the lucky winner! It took 10 whole days to get here, I had all but given up on Swiss/Dutch postal services, but yesterday a package slapped on the doormat, and here's what was in it:

Before I had actually even properly opened the package to look, two chocolate hearts had already mysteriously disappeared...

But you have to understand - this was Lindt chocolate!! If you don't know what it means, you really do have my deepest sympathy... ;)

There are some lovely old papers in the package that will challenge me out of my comfort zone! I have never used ephemera or done much collage in general, so it will be interesting to explore new techniques. I love that bull :)

Barbara was nice enough to tuck in some extra chocolate! I'm really going to try and save some for ehm... tomorrow? ;)

I know, even as a doting mamma, that this is not the cutest expression on my toddler ;) But in the face of sweet stuff, especially chocolate, he just can't contain himself. I have no idea where he gets it from. None, you hear?!

Thank you so much, Barbara, it was definitely worth the wait :) & I love your little card!

Be sure to go look at her blog. She does awesome self-portraits and shares thought provoking insights. Incidentally, she is also one of the artists teaching a workshop in Dirty Footprints Studio's 21 Secrets, which starts April 1st. It looks like an amazing experience; I'm definitely considering joining. Looking forward to the desciptions of the different workshops being offered this round!

life

soup

Finally: happy New Year to you!

& some chicken noodle soup for those who need it. Like me. I need it so much, I have been eating it for breakfast for the last long while! I get that that's weird, okay? But so be it. If all our needs were this easy to fulfill, there wouldn't be many unhappy people left ;)

Last year didn't end well, and 2011 didn't get off to the start I would have liked to see. On the upside, things can really only get better, so I'll run with that! I've been taking some down-time to try and see the bottom of things, and I'm not there yet. But I've been looking, and that's definitely a beginning of sorts.

Here's to beginnings & chicken noodle soup. That's about as good as it gets, here, now, but it's better than nothing...

quite

This might make no sense, but you know...

There are days I so hate having to be the responsible adult that I'm really not! There is a very defiant little girl inside of me. At times I'm surprised no one can actually hear her scream - or see her standing there, fingers firmly in her ears, singing lalaLALALAAAA! Which probably is a good thing.

All a propos of nothing in particular - not right now, anyhow. Playing around with cookies - as a petulant child must - this was what came out. Mysterious minds & their meanderings...

Just wondering; am I the only one who feels so completely out of depth in the 'grown-up world' at times?

eggs

So, like I said; last weekend, I spent some time with an egg. A lovely brown speckled egg. We bonded and didn't much care what people thought of our unlikely relationship. We were so absorbed in each other, we didn't actually have eyes for other people, anyway. Oh sure, we heard some jokes at our expense, but didn't pay much attention.
Sadly, as it goes with flings, ours ended as quickly as it began; at the end of the day we spent in mutual admiration, I had my friend for dinner... But I'll always treasure the sunny spring day we spent together. And luckily, I've still got the pictures :-)

But the photography workshop I'm taking asked for a white egg, first. So I had to forget all about my first love (egg-wise, that is) and start it up with another pre-feathered friend! White on white and white on black, here are the pictures:


Now let's get back to my first friend! So me & my egg - with Man, Squirt & visiting father-in-law in tow - took a roadtrip!
The province I live in is poldered. The land that keeps my feet dry wasn't even here before the late 1960s. Nothing here is older than that; everything only slightly predates my birth. Nothing like a new town to make you feel young ;-) I have no issues with this place on a daily basis, but every so often my feet need to touch old land. I need to see trees my arms could never circle. I need to see crumbling walls and gable stones stating '1758' as if it was yesterday.
It was fun to discover me & my egg were birds of a feather (no pun intended! Neither of us were birds, and it's safe to say, neither of us ever will be. Sad...)! He loved it out there, and it was fun to see how much flair he had posing with the old, the crumbling and the rusty:

These are my own personal favourites:



We also hugged some trees, watched the grass grow and sniffed some culture:
And at the end of a long & lovely day, we rested on some steps together. Me & my egg...
So that was last week's photo assignment! I had a lot of fun - and a lot of pictures :-) I love taking orders when it comes to photography! Never in a million years would I have come up with the idea of investigating the photogenic quality of eggs, but as soon as I read the post last Saturday, my mind was swimming in possibilities :-) I'm looking forward to seeing what's next!

P.S. I'm sorry not all photos can be enlarged - I have no idea how to change this, and honestly, after this photo-rich posting, I'm pretty exasperated with B.log.ger and its image publishing feature! Tips welcome!

demise

An egg, hard boiled for safety. Ready to go on a trip around the world. Or one or two provinces of this little country, anyway. Which is an oddity in itself, all part of the photography workshop I've signed up for - but more on that later!

This is what happens when you leave an egg on the table around here :-)

Luckily, it was boiled. Happy coincidence that I was already focused on egg-picture-taking or I would have cleaned the mess and regretted the missed opportunity later!

greens

Brussels sprouts for dinner. Just to see.

The smell of childhood indignation, despite the garlic.
The taste of remembered frustration in the face of vegetable injustice.

Not a good way to end any day.
I still say "No!" to Brussels sprouts. And stamp my feet!
And feel very lucky for not being forced to eat as many as my age this time around ;-)

Squirt ate more than his fair share without protest. He even seemed to like it! Funny kid. Taste is not genetic, but food unfairness might be. No Brussels sprouts for my kid. Ever (again).

"Mom, why don't we ever eat Brussels sprouts?"
"Because we DON'T, in this house - go wash your mouth out!"
"But MOM! That's not FAIR!" (stamping feet stomping off)

Mamma's vegetable revenge could just end up being Squirt's injustice in reverse!

sweet(s)

Man supports me wholeheartedly on my Quest, by the way! He's not much of a Digger himself, and to be truthful, he's got a lot of things down - pretty much pat. But he is a man, and as far as I can see, that does help...

On the hardest day, he took Squirt out for a walk and came back with a little bag of sweets. A piece of (liquorice/peppermint) chalk, because I'm learning; a snake for the process, fangs as well as the whole shedding-skin-business; a sour worm for - I quote - "the icky bits"; a peach for the good stuff; and a heart, because "we love you!"...

And since he's not the man who brings home scheduled or unscheduled flowers - ever, really - this was even more special! Those darn sweets, made me cry!

snack

Squirt normally follows me around when I unpack groceries. He loves it when I leave a bag on the floor and he can unpack it. For me? Despite me? I don't know & it doesn't matter - he's having more fun with it than I do :-)

The other day, I looked around and didn't see him in the kitchen. Then I remembered I left one bag on the floor by the front door. And there he was. Having unpacked half the bag, amidst day-to-day essentials, he had found the grapes. He had opened the box and was sitting there, surrounded by smaller grapes, discarded in favour of the big ones, stuffing his face like a little kid lost in a French vinyard :-)