The past, second, week of the course I'm doing was - hard. No other word for it. I hit a wall inside and had to take a break because I couldn't see what was behind it.
The next day I sat down with it again, and made some discoveries about myself that were interesting. To say the least.
Funny thing is, when the hard work is done, and you've found a home truth, it seems so obvious that you can't believe you didn't see it before!
I'm not quite able to write about it here, in so many words (yet?). I'm not sure that is what I ultimately want to be, on this blog; naked, proverbially speaking. But I did hear a quote today that I think covers what I found out: "Every wall is a door" (R.W. Emerson).
Now all I have to do, is figure out where it hinges...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
snack
Squirt normally follows me around when I unpack groceries. He loves it when I leave a bag on the floor and he can unpack it. For me? Despite me? I don't know & it doesn't matter - he's having more fun with it than I do :-)
The other day, I looked around and didn't see him in the kitchen. Then I remembered I left one bag on the floor by the front door. And there he was. Having unpacked half the bag, amidst day-to-day essentials, he had found the grapes. He had opened the box and was sitting there, surrounded by smaller grapes, discarded in favour of the big ones, stuffing his face like a little kid lost in a French vinyard :-)
The other day, I looked around and didn't see him in the kitchen. Then I remembered I left one bag on the floor by the front door. And there he was. Having unpacked half the bag, amidst day-to-day essentials, he had found the grapes. He had opened the box and was sitting there, surrounded by smaller grapes, discarded in favour of the big ones, stuffing his face like a little kid lost in a French vinyard :-)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
school
A link to this video was posted on the Inside Out FaceBook page, and I have just watched it. If you have 20 minutes, watch it, too!
From TED.com: "Sir Ken Robinson makes an entertaining and profoundly moving case for creating an education system that nurtures (rather than undermines) creativity."
I've never thought about it much, but he makes some valid, thought-provoking points. Also, he's pretty funny, and the video comes with subtitles in 38 languages ;-)
From TED.com: "Sir Ken Robinson makes an entertaining and profoundly moving case for creating an education system that nurtures (rather than undermines) creativity."
I've never thought about it much, but he makes some valid, thought-provoking points. Also, he's pretty funny, and the video comes with subtitles in 38 languages ;-)
Monday, January 25, 2010
chowder
The first - amazingly intense - week of my four-week e-course Inside Out by Shannon is over. To be accurate, the second week started today. But I'm still dealing with the fallout from week one. No small matter.
Remember what I said about anticipation? I've come to realise what it means and why I do it. It feels good: anticipation. Like the world could very well be your oyster! All you have to do is: get up & get it!
Which is where I'm stuck. Right before 'getting up'. Scared the oyster is just a mirage. Or it really is a bad clam & gives you acid. Or you can't open it. Or you can, but find out you don't actually like oysters. See, I don't know this. I never tried one... OR, you get up & get it, you paint it really nicely and hang it as a decoration and it starts to smell, after a while!
As long as you just anticipate - enjoy the idea of it & what you could do with it if you decided to act on your desire - you're safe. Nothing ventured? Nothing spoiled!
'Nothing gained, either', you say? True, I suppose. But who really wants a smelly painted oyster taking up wallspace?!
See, this is why I need to do this course! I like safe. But I also feel a really deep need to find out if it could work, me & oysters. Find life-changing revelations, or simply for future reference.
Here's to week two!
Remember what I said about anticipation? I've come to realise what it means and why I do it. It feels good: anticipation. Like the world could very well be your oyster! All you have to do is: get up & get it!
Which is where I'm stuck. Right before 'getting up'. Scared the oyster is just a mirage. Or it really is a bad clam & gives you acid. Or you can't open it. Or you can, but find out you don't actually like oysters. See, I don't know this. I never tried one... OR, you get up & get it, you paint it really nicely and hang it as a decoration and it starts to smell, after a while!
As long as you just anticipate - enjoy the idea of it & what you could do with it if you decided to act on your desire - you're safe. Nothing ventured? Nothing spoiled!
'Nothing gained, either', you say? True, I suppose. But who really wants a smelly painted oyster taking up wallspace?!
See, this is why I need to do this course! I like safe. But I also feel a really deep need to find out if it could work, me & oysters. Find life-changing revelations, or simply for future reference.
Here's to week two!
enough
This is the photo I took of Squirt, right before we turned around & headed back to the car on our walk last Friday."Listen, guys, thank you for bringing me outside. I honestly appreciate it! But now I'm cold, I'm tired, and I really think this was enough fresh air for one day. Can we go home now? Please?"
Sunday, January 24, 2010
out there
I'm doing an online course at the moment. Maybe I'll go into that in more detail, later. For now, I just want to say - it's intense, it's fun, it's confrontational. I've had a bit of a tough time letting go inbetween sittings, so on Wednesday afternoon, we took a little walk around the local wetlands. I decided not to take my camera. First of all, when I bring my camera, the weather almost always suddenly changes from favourable to not so much so. Secondly, when I bring my camera, I tend to drive my companions a little crazy by wanting to stop and shoot a bit too often. But it was beautiful out there! And I so regretted not bringing my camera, that I just had to go back.
understanding
Squirt passed his recent check-up at the Consultatie Bureau (which wonkily translates to consultations office. Informally known as consternation office, this is the Dutch institution that periodically tests your child's roadworthiness by prodding, poking, asking rather obvious questions and doling out officious advice) with flying colours, as usual. He's had a bit of a growth spurt & went from 0 - or average - to +2 on the comparative scale over the past 3 months!
When the doctor asked whether Squirt generally understands me when I talk to him, I answered yes. Whenever I tell him to come to me for a diaper change, he crawls in the opposite direction, double quick. That tells me he gets it, alright ;-)
When the doctor asked whether Squirt generally understands me when I talk to him, I answered yes. Whenever I tell him to come to me for a diaper change, he crawls in the opposite direction, double quick. That tells me he gets it, alright ;-)
Monday, January 18, 2010
integrity
True to the New Year's promises I made myself, in so many words, I have been stirring soul soup over the past week. And I've come up with something important. It's an open door, really. Something I have been telling myself for years (and I might have shouted it, too, once or twice). I'm not sure I will take it to heart this time, any more than I've been able to in the past. But I do want to type it down, black on blue, so I can revisit it if needs be.
I need to stop measuring my inner self - insecurities, fears, flaws and idiosyncrasies included - against other people's social identities.
There. That's it. My word for the future - right next to feel - is integrity.
I need to stop measuring my inner self - insecurities, fears, flaws and idiosyncrasies included - against other people's social identities.
There. That's it. My word for the future - right next to feel - is integrity.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
close
It's been a while, the last live feed. The deadline that never was - at 14 months - has come & gone, too. And I just wanted to say: we're doing fine :-)
The first week was difficult. It felt like - heartache. My baby is growing, and won't regress. And that is, of course, a good thing. But there is no such thing as 'taking a short break from breastfeeding'. When it's done, it's done.
It's funny when you think about it. Few things in life are irreversible. We make conscious decisions to break habits or change lanes, but we can almost always revisit, change our minds. If we really want to. But there are things that can't be undone. The first time I really thought about this, was when I got more grey hairs than I could ignore. It's okay - I'm not traumatised by turning grey. But you can't go back. You can dye your hair, but you will always know it's a pretence. But I'm digressing here.
The physical nurturing is over, and that really felt like the end of an era. Thirteen months might not be much of an era, generally speaking, but when it comes to the first steps into a new life as someone's actual mamma - thirteen months is an era alright!
But we've moved on from there. The end of one era is another era's beginning, after all! We had to find a new ritual that would work for both of us. And we have :-D
Every time Squirt wakes up, I get him out of bed and we spend some time in the comfy chair in his room. For as long as we want to. Sometimes as long as half an hour. We cuddle while he fully returns from his dreams, and then we talk. And he plays with my hair. And he points at everything in his room. He claps his hands a few times, scratches his nails over the changing table and puts his head down on my shoulder again. We have a few laughs, he yawns the last bits of sleep away, and when he gets restless, we get up and get on with our day.
And if I were to be really honest? Maybe this new - struggle-free - ritual is even better than the old one!
The first week was difficult. It felt like - heartache. My baby is growing, and won't regress. And that is, of course, a good thing. But there is no such thing as 'taking a short break from breastfeeding'. When it's done, it's done.
It's funny when you think about it. Few things in life are irreversible. We make conscious decisions to break habits or change lanes, but we can almost always revisit, change our minds. If we really want to. But there are things that can't be undone. The first time I really thought about this, was when I got more grey hairs than I could ignore. It's okay - I'm not traumatised by turning grey. But you can't go back. You can dye your hair, but you will always know it's a pretence. But I'm digressing here.
The physical nurturing is over, and that really felt like the end of an era. Thirteen months might not be much of an era, generally speaking, but when it comes to the first steps into a new life as someone's actual mamma - thirteen months is an era alright!
But we've moved on from there. The end of one era is another era's beginning, after all! We had to find a new ritual that would work for both of us. And we have :-D
Every time Squirt wakes up, I get him out of bed and we spend some time in the comfy chair in his room. For as long as we want to. Sometimes as long as half an hour. We cuddle while he fully returns from his dreams, and then we talk. And he plays with my hair. And he points at everything in his room. He claps his hands a few times, scratches his nails over the changing table and puts his head down on my shoulder again. We have a few laughs, he yawns the last bits of sleep away, and when he gets restless, we get up and get on with our day.
And if I were to be really honest? Maybe this new - struggle-free - ritual is even better than the old one!
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