solid

So I didn't take a nosedive. Which is as awesome as it is... disconcerting! Because here I was, all prepared to - uhm, nosedive into my usual shut-down-mode, which is where I generally find myself when chaotic happenings end (the need to take apart and rebuild everything I already knew) - but then I didn't. Which leaves me strangely at a loss when it comes to words. I'm in a good place - not Fabulous, but good, and it's unfamiliar. But if I wait untill I've got the words to bend with the road I'm on, this blog will gather dust. I promised myself it wouldn't, and yet it has been empty here for the past two weeks. I started to write and then I stopped. Drafts waiting for - clarity. Or the recycling bin. I'm not sure. Not sure of much at the moment, but - again - in an unfamiliarly good sense :) Things are cooking, but not boiled down. So here are some drawings that came out over the past couple of weeks.

Squirt's bikes. Which seemed like a great subject to draw - lots of lines and technical what-nots to fight with, as well as a good example of the theme I'd thought up for myself: growing. Yes. And then I found myself quite sad ;)

And then there's that. It wasn't immediately inspired by my kid undeniably growing, but it's a part of the whole story anyway, of course. It's something I fight with, still, at times. Not all the time, but it comes up. And right now, strange as it may sound, it feels like a solid thing to come up. Not something that will push me over any kind of edges, not something I'm making harder for myself, but something that is - understood to be hard. I don't know if that makes any kind of sense to anyone but me, but hanging out in a space where I'm actually okay, this is - alright to feel something about...

I don't feel like I'm on my toes. Of course I'm vigilant - I find myself in a strange field of wildflowers, and while I'm enjoying the scenery, and sniffing the air, I know I'm me and I'm vulnerable. But I'm dealing with things, as they come up, and so far?

I'm squeezing just fine :)

Hope you're fine, too. Hope whatever is on your plate is just enough to hang out with, on the sane side of things. 

Here's to whatever lays ahead & facing up! I'll be back... :)

expo

So here's how I'm hanging :)

Yup, bottom-right, that's me, naked in a shop window ;) Next to the toilet cleaner. Cool thing to claim about yourself ;)

That's the kid, behind the doors. Not too impressed being left behind ;)

I love the orange and blue feathers & thingies behind the drawings ;) And my own reflection ;)

And that's the kid again. Paying me back for leaving him inside the shop. Doing his own thing rather than pose with his mamma's art ;)

Yup, that's my art hanging somewhere :) And it really is a giant step! I'm not making light of it - this is an expo in a shop window, and it won't launch my artist carreer right now, just yet ;) - but it definitely does something in my head! Knowing that it's out there - I'm out there - for people to see makes it much harder to deny that I might be an artist :) We're going to have to see what happens when it's taken down - but for now, I'm an artist - and it's AWESOME :D I'm holding on to that feeling!

& not just that, I've sold some art work from my all-new Etsy shop & all :D Thank you so much, lovely friends, for supporting me - and for getting me to pretty much skip to the post counter singing 'I'm selling my ART, people!' :D Yes, I wanted to share that mental image, because it felt really, really good :)

Of course there is contemplation going on in the background. Wild thoughts and notions. What it all means and where it will go. And how it will take me along for rides. And how to stick with believing. But they're not for here and now. Now and here is for feeling proud and excited  - and wishing you the same!

Thank you so much for being here and being excited with me - it really means a lot :D 

x!

news

I know you might be expecting the photos for the second assignment of the Pure Photo Workshop, but I didn't get around to it... It's hard to admit, because I strongly feel that committing to take part means you commit to take part, but I've got some stuff going on in my 'real life' & I sort of forgot to make time. Saturday snuck up on me! All these single-day national holidays and visiting relatives (my father-in-law is here right now) warp time a little, and my head is spinning just a bit - so, quite out of character, I've given myself permission to drop out, this week ;)

& without much more ado, here's why I'm out-of-sorts: I was asked to show some of my work! I was asked! It's hard for me not to back that up with a story that makes it a little less impressive, but I won't :) I'm just going to go with 'I was asked to show some of my work' :)

The 25th of May to the 1st of June this year will be the Dutch week for non-professional art, and the Fair Trade gift shop (Wereldwinkel) where I volunteer is taking part, displaying art in their shop window. I've never made a secret of drawing a lot - so people know that about me ;) - but I was very surprised when the shop coordinator emailed me to ask if I wanted to be the artist to exhibit!

We decided on what to display - I was quite impressed with how she went for my style, as opposed to the more neutral work I'd slipped in - and I've been working on the prints, polishing little blemishes away since Wednesday ;) Here's what will be shown:

 :D

There's a lot of mayhem in my head. I'm fighting not to down-play, nor to over-stretch and it's hard work! I'm doing okay, I think, but I don't have a lot to say right now. No oversight, no insight either. The funny thing is, every time I come out of a bad stretch, promising myself that for now it will be all about drawing for myself, to be me inside my life, something happens. Something that shakes me up, tells me something, although I'm never quite clear on what exactly, while I'm in the middle of it all. This time, I'm trying to stay calm (haha). I'm going to try and wait this out - to see what might have shifted on the other side. Instead of forcing things to shift right now ;)

I got this flyer in my local art supply shop:

I took it, along with other flyers, and it wasn't until hours later, when I properly looked, that I saw I'm on it :D Not just that, it says 'kunstenaars', which means artists :D So even when I might still have a hard time referring to myself as an artist, this flyer doesn't, so it must be true ;)

(* the T means 'tekenen', which means 'drawings')

I'm ready for brighter days, and I'm not just talking about Summer and sun ;) Hope you're well! What's happy in your life?

comfort

8 days - interesting ;) I set my goal for a blog post a week, and for the past 4 weeks, I've ended up flying in a day late. I'd love to say that's unusual for me, but it's not. Back when I was in the mud, I was always on time, and I'd come to identify with that. I have always thought of myself as punctual, but I'm not! Just another wart I'm learning to embrace ;)

It's all tied to my relationship with time. Most things are, in the end. Whether it's about meeting someone on time (including getting my kid to school and picking him up again...), forgetting time and getting carried away, being aware of time when I know there's something I've got to do and let that get in the way of forgetting time, or the tension when I try to get 'it all' done - time is an issue. Relationships are hard work, and this one is no different. I'd love to say I'm here because I've figured it all out, but I'm not. I'm just complaining ;)

I've had a crazy week, but a juicy one! A different approach to much of everything I do on a daily basis - because I did most of it in heels :)

These heels :) I even took them outside for shopping! Once. Only once. So far. It was hard! It was hard, and funny :) I smiled almost the whole way out and back, because I felt so unable :) I was stumbling on them - I'm pretty sure there was nothing sexy about me trying to get around on them - but I loved it! Because I felt so unable!

After going through life for a while, we get comfortable, right? We've got our routines, and it works, so why mess with it all? I'm right there with you. I'm all about learning curves and - when trying to embrace who I already am, including the warts - there are many of those; but then there are the normal things, the day-to-day stuff that's working, and because there are so many challenges all over the place anyway, why challenge the stuff that's good, the things that are in working order, the things that are solid just the way they are?

No need to do that, of course. At all. But I found myself with these heels this week; these heels and a promise made to my 4-year-old :) So I was going to practise. And everything routine became a challenge just like that. There was no conscious decision to smile about it all - of course, that would have been the Zen way, and I'm not really there quite yet ;) - but it just sort of happened! These heels and my inability made me laugh out loud :) Especially when I decided to go out in them and buy eggs :D

There is nothing wrong with comfortable. And if time is an issue, being fine with the routine way I do many of the recurring household chores is perfect. I'm not challenging you or myself to do something different when it's working, and I'm not saying you're boring when you do the laundry wearing pyjamas - at all! Some of the mundane daily stuff is boring and has to be dealt with swiftly so we can get on being succulent and wild elsewhere!

But these heels; this actual, literal walk outside my comfort zone - there is a parallel to the way I'm leaning into me and the warts, the way I challenge myself to embrace the things I can and can't quite do! That's why wearing them is so juicy eventhough - no, because I still look quite ridiculous trying to walk as if I can ;)

It reminds me, quite forcefully, quite literally, that there are many things I could still learn to do - things that are solidly outside my current comfort zone! That I have many muscles that are underused, but there for the training, if I choose to do so! That it's all in the choices, really - whether I want to stay comfortable where I am comfortable, or whether I want to spice it up a little! I'm learning to stand tall in who I am - that's inside my whole Warts & All theme. And it's hard. But those heels show me that I can do it - beyond what happens when wearing heels when you're 5'11" ;) It's really just a matter of training the muscles that will help me stretch to the full extent of who I am :D

I've been challenged to go outside my usual by Koosje and her absolutely awesome ecourse as well, over the past two weeks! Last week was all about graphite, this week we've been working with coloured pencils :) This post's drawings were done as assignments :) I'm having so much fun, drawing outside my home-made box, learning new skills, and yes, working underused muscles ;) After a week of coloured pencils and heels, my whole body hurts - and I'm not kidding! Maybe I'm taking this all a little too seriously? Hah, probably. Apparently I can be quite unstoppable outside my comfort zone ;) Because I might not be hanging out where I thought I was most comfortable, these days, but a zone it still is! There is flow, when I travel - energy in new paths! I really had one crazy week :D

The only thing all this doesn't do, is change my relationship with time for the better. I get carried away, take more time than I have, especially for the mundane & routine. But somewhere, I'm convinced - for now, quite conveniently ;) - that's a good thing. I can work on that, later! I'm saving it for boring times ;)

Big X to Koosje & my kid :D For making things so interesting, and juicy :D

What are you up to these days?

slogging

scattered

Before anything else: happy New Year! I hope 2012 brings you all that you need, and some of what you want, too ;) I'm going with wabi-sabi here. The beauty of things imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. How much easier life would possibly be if we accepted these inherent aspects of, well, everything - given time. And saw the beauty in it all. So lofty, but heartfelt a wish :)

This drawing was meant to represent a lack of self-nurture. How pouring out tea and sympathy without taking time to recharge myself was wearing the kettle thin. But I decided I didn't want to go with that description. It's a choice. Self-pity or wabi-sabi. And while I don't feel the bottom of it all quite yet - and heck, I may never ;) - I feel that it's wise to be choosing acceptance and the beauty of imperfection over... well... self-pity. Or putting the intention out there, anyway ;)


Intent, intention, yes indeed. Operative words over here. As in: I need some... Having survived the busy months of November (several birthdays) and December (Sinterklaas and the rest of it), and some marital blisters, I'm struggling to find my feet. Proverbially, of course. I didn't eat that much ;)

It feels like I know where I'm trying to go, approximately, pretty much, the general direction, anyway, but I can't get it into words, into goals, into a workable plan! Like something on the tip of your tongue; you can almost taste it, but it keeps escaping your conscious mind! Hence, canned crap. As in, I've opened a can. Or several ;) While trying to get quiet enough to hear what's buried deep, I keep getting flushed by static, white noise!

I think I've somehow, subconsciously, told myself I need a Schedule towards a Plan to move forward. A Plan and a Schedule. And now that I've swallowed and become my need for a Schedule and a Plan, I'm stalling! In every bloody way! Everything daily life throws at me becomes an Obstacle. A friend being less than kind? It consumes me for 2 (TWO!) weeks, and then I let it fizzle out! My hairdresser moved? It's an Epic Drama that keeps me from writing my morning pages, though I went there only once! Writing a shopping list? It feels like I'm trying to gather courage to write a Great American Novel (and ends in ordering pizza for dinner)! And that's just the tip of the iceberg, but I'll spare you the long version ;)

I'm letting myself, making myself feel scattered! As Patti Digh puts it so neatly, this is my pattern of investing in the story of obstacle instead of the story of yearning. It's a variation on the age-old theme of 'I can't, not before everything else is perfectly arranged!', and it's wearing me out! I'm not reading the books I ordered, with their wisdom inside. I'm not reading my favourite blogs and I'm not writing blog posts either. Well, I didn't, for weeks, and I don't know when I'll be back here again ;) I'm not meditating. I'm not drinking more water. I haven't finished picking out my word(s) for this year. I'm making a mess of things, because I'm scattered. And I'm scattered, because apparantly, I want to be scattered of sorts. Not consciously, maybe, but the proof is in the pudding nonetheless.

The one thing I have been doing is draw. I might not be able to reason myself out of this pickle, but I'm drawing a fine picture of it ;) And there is something to be said for that. Maybe that is my story of yearning for right now. Don't think about it, don't schedule, just draw the pickle. Maybe the rest will come when I'm quiet, really quiet, drawing the mess I like to think I'm in.

I'm going to be running with that one, guys! It's actually the first thing coming out of my overwhelmed January mind that makes me feel easier in my skin! Like drawing my canned crap this morning. I knew it wouldn't solve it all, but it sure was fun ;) I think I'm going to be cutting myself some slack over the next few days, see where it leaves me :)

Does the New Year make you feel giddy with possibility, or are you a little overwhelmed as well? I'd really love to hear how you're coping with the widely proclaimed pristine-ness of it all, so far!

overwhelming

obstacles

A quick cheater blind contour. With a humble request:

Please, kind Sir, remove me some obstacles... I've been kicking the same stone again & again - my proverbial foot hurts! xo, Yvonne

solo

Hateful when you discover a spelling mistake just when you're finished & quite pleased with yourself!! Oh well...

soup

Finally: happy New Year to you!

& some chicken noodle soup for those who need it. Like me. I need it so much, I have been eating it for breakfast for the last long while! I get that that's weird, okay? But so be it. If all our needs were this easy to fulfill, there wouldn't be many unhappy people left ;)

Last year didn't end well, and 2011 didn't get off to the start I would have liked to see. On the upside, things can really only get better, so I'll run with that! I've been taking some down-time to try and see the bottom of things, and I'm not there yet. But I've been looking, and that's definitely a beginning of sorts.

Here's to beginnings & chicken noodle soup. That's about as good as it gets, here, now, but it's better than nothing...

new

Hmm. No. I haven't quite settled in yet. It's hard. A lot harder than I'd hoped. And most of it is - as usual - in my head. Which makes it easier, while at the same time it doesn't.
You know how they say 'wherever you go, you bring yourself along'? I actually feel like I've left a bit of myself behind! The bit that's been lighter, this year...
I'm still going with the stern belief that I didn't leave my ability to bounce back behind. Because I checked and checked again. It's here somewhere, lying misplaced, waiting for me to find it in an unlikely corner. I know it is.

Digging it out, along with some much-needed reflection on the Beauty and the Not-Quite that's been 2010 should keep me busy till the hangover subsides ;)
Yesterday was a good day, today was alright. Tomorrow will be better, and next year will rock!

Wishing you a bit of quiet to say goodbye to what needs shedding and a lot of whatever it is you need to welcome 2011! Have the most amazing, awesome-est New Year; see you there!

settling

Getting there. Getting here, to this new house. Trying to feel at home. It takes whiles longer than I expected. But my expectations were a tad on the optimistic side of things...

Now that we're done as far as we're going to be done with it all this here year, I'm going to try and get back into my creative groove again. Which is also taking whiles longer than I had hoped. I've been feeling rather drained over the past, hmm, month or so.

I have no idea whether anyone is still checking this space, but if so - hi!! Thanks for sticking it out! Here are some pictures of the living room to tie you over till I get back - again ;)

basically

Basically?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhhhh!!!

Moving is hard work. I think everything will be alright. I think the new place will be beautiful when it's finished. I do.

But right now?! It's a shambles. And a roof tile blew off in last Friday's storm. We have water damage, probably - hopefully! - because of it. And for the first time in my life, I can't just call the central number to get it fixed.

So basically? I think it'll all be cool. Soon. But for now? If I weren't so busy getting wall paper stuck to walls, and assorted other stuff, I think I'd be sitting on the floor with my fingers in my ears. Rocking to and fro. Singing lalalalaLALALAAAAA! Obviously, that never helped anyone, but it sure feels good, at times ;)

Do you want to share the last time you really wanted to sit down & sing to shut out the world? Or is everything smooth sailing in your corner? Hope so!

crossroads

scary

That is not our car. & it won't be, any time soon ;)
And this is a bad photo, plucked off the internet.
But provided all the paperwork clears, this will be our house come November! & hopefully a home soon after that!

We will finally be all grown up, mortgaged to the hilt...
Oh my... Oh my!

much

Much, much stuff going on. In my head, mainly. For now at least. But things are about to change. Which means I need to bite off & chew some fear. Of the unknown. And of change, in itself, really. Which inspired this artishtic attempt. Because something had to come out, somewhere.

& since I was visiting my AJ anyway, finding out - again - that busying myself really does help take the mind off things, I printed my beautiful toddler - wearing a mixing bowl for protection - onto cheap watercolour paper, to see what would happen if I'd splash some colour. The idea is an interesting one, although the execution - especially where it needed patience! - needs fine-tuning ;)

update

She's doing well. Her head's still on. And the strawberries are coming along nicely, too.
Also, we're fine here, all of us. We're house-hunting and have some tough decisions to make, so - apparently - I haven't got a lot of headspace for much of anything else. I don't seem to notice the little and big things in quite as much colour as I normally do. Life keeps throwing me quirky balls and other mostly inanimate objects - of course - but I'm catching them and putting them away with Squirt's toys before bed at the moment.

This 'moment' won't last forever - I'll be back from this holiday-of-sorts soon enough. I really, really appreciate that there are still people out there popping in to see if anything new is up in this here corner! And I'm really sorry I haven't got much to show for myself... If only I could take snapshot pictures of the mayhem & chaos in my head! But then again - I'm not sure that would really entertain anyone but me (sort of. I'm sort of entertained. But mostly I'm basically going slightly mad, trying just to BE...) right here and now... ;)

Hope you're enjoying a beautiful Summer, wherever you are! I'm reading all the blogs for a vicarious holiday; a little time off, out of my head :)

headless

Not an ancient site in Rome. Just a garden-variety mishap. Quite literally. The back garden in fact. Poor little plaster(?) lady who'd been hanging out on our garden table long enough to gather mossy bits... When it happened, I almost cried!

But wait - I can sort of explain that. Really. A few days before this incident, a little rose quartz heart I had been carrying around in my pocket for luck (quite obsessively), fell on my toe when I forgot to take it out before taking off my jeans. Ouch!

The next day, I knocked the bottle of rose water my mother gave me when Squirt was born (yeah. I know. But never mind that now) off the ledge where it - granted, precariously - had stood ever since I'd come home from hospital.

And then, this happened. Decapitation no less...

I saw signs. And they weren't good. I caught myself, standing puzzled, wondering what it all meant. Feeling I was surely headed for some great disaster...

But before you start to worry about my sanity - here it comes: the anti-climax. The soppy bit - the wisdom in the center of the bowl of oatmeal. I straightened my shoulders and took a deep breath. And I decided that - if it meant anything at all, it would be that I should stop looking for signs in the weird little accidents happening around me - to stuff. Stuff I was holding onto, holding dear, for no other reason than the idea that it all meant something. I decided then and there, that I should trust myself much more than the stuff I've been holding on to.

Paradoxically, I wouldn't be me if I didn't think that is exactly what these signs meant ;)

So I took the dear lady & her head, and glued them back together. They're inseparable for now - for as long as the weather lets the glue hold. Just hanging out on the table again.

I've made a mental note, though: if this chick loses her head again, it's more to do with the quality of the glue than with any sort of misery looming. Not sure similar guarantees apply to this here chick losing sense of perspective again - that happens on & off... I'm getting over myself though; one garden-variety mishap at the time!

Anyone else out there, putting too much stock in signs? I totally understand if you don't feel comfortable facing up to it all here - I only wrote this post so you know you're not alone ;)

busy

more

Okay, so like I said, there is more!

It was easier to start telling my colour story from black and grey to my safe colours. The colours I gravitate to, sort of naturally.

But ever since being pregnant with Squirt, I've been falling in love with something a lot more dangerous... RED! I've no idea how that happened. I just woke up one morning, and found out that - apparently - I had a colour theme on my hands! And as it goes with colour themes: once you start, it's hard to stop. Red has become the colour of contrast in this house. As simple, or complicated, as that.

So the first grid I photographed - before deciding that my colour story as such passed through green and blue first and foremost - was red in nature. Food, more accurately.

Then, I looked around & found - way more red than is necessary for any one life time. After some serious editing, I could claim it's only accentuating the edges - but the truth is, this mosaic is me, showing a lot of restraint... But it gets worse. The goth deep, deep down inside of me could claim red as a colour of passion and be done with it - albeit grudgingly. If there wasn't evidence - and now proof - that there is more to it than just that. There is something fishy going on here. In my head, and even - in a curious single incident - in my closet (the clogs are for gardening purposes only, and the socks came in a batch with blues and greys. That's my story & I'm sticking to it!). I've struck... PINK!Pink! What's happening here?! Is it some sort of reaction to the fact that I'm the female minority in this house these days? Some form of defiance - resistance? Proof that I'm here? Has becoming a mamma made me aware of the fact that I'm a girl or something?! This really snuck up on me!

I have no idea where this is coming from! What I do know is, finding pink really shocked me out of my photographing frenzy of colour. I needed to sit and brood. Reclaim my inner goth for a bit. Listen to some Type O Negative & Nick Cave. Come to terms with the idea that my new-found interest in colour goes past gel pens, watercolour paint, crayons and pastels & what they can do on paper - straight to the heart of things: a PINK iPod and beyond!

I'll be back when I'm ready to embrace my inner girl...