raw

My Art Journal has been neglected; when it comes to - real, emotional stuff, anyway. I've been focusing on sketching, lately, but to be honest, that's been as much an excuse as it has been fun, and good. I'm still having a tough time sorting through my emotions, and my 'go-to M.O.' is - pushing it all away. So far and so deep that I have no idea what's there and why anymore.

I've (quietly) been reading at Dirty Footprints Studio for a while now. What Connie says about her Art and soul - it's powerful. It inspires me. It makes me want to feel that, too.
When I read about this:


I thought - I wish I could honestly pour some love into my AJ, breathe some life... But that's not what's here, for me, right now. I'm plodding along, muddling through, and that is brave enough.

And then, this happened.

And this is what I found in my morning pages early today:

“It’s crushing that I can’t find much beauty; see much beauty (because I know it’s there!) these days. I’m not in ME. I’m not ‘BEING’, I’m existing. I’m not PROCESSING things. I’m still – pushing everything away. I can’t seem to help myself, because I know it doesn’t work! I’m shovelling snow onto myself to – quieten I suppose – but I end up looking from the margins of ME, wondering why the hell I look & feel like a snowman!

[...But] this heart I drew over copious amounts of smudged & messy vermilion ink is proof that - there is something inside. Something is trying to push through. I feel like I haven’t got a clue left, but then that bloody, messy heart happened! It just happened. And I’m not going to call it ‘breakthrough’ because I don’t know where it came from – but it’s proof that my SOUL is still there, somewhere... whispering stuff I can’t quite hear!
So, bring it ON!”

And I am well aware that this is not exactly 'sharing love', at all. But it's heart, and soul. It's where it starts! Facing fear is where (self-) LOVE starts... & that's why I'm feeling brave enough to share this, anyway.