summer

I've been getting messy with ideas, thoughts and concepts in my head - struggling with the whats and how tos - because I would love to document this Summer... It's been, and still is, interesting ;) I'm running into a lot of things I sort of knew about myself - stuff involving rules and guidelines. Being good enough, and allowing myself. Full stop. Allowing myself is very inclusive, and even if I wanted to get less vague, explain myself, I can't. Not yet, maybe never. What I'm finding out is - perhaps it doesn't matter. And that - is revolutionary. 

I don't have the peace and quiet to come out with everything in my head right now. It's Summer. We're halfway through the first week of Squirt's school holidays and life is different around here ;) It's noisy, filled with life, questions, blow-by-blow reports of how to build the perfect Lego Duplo house - and everything else ;)

"Can I ride my bike, mamma, where are we going, what's next, can I have ice cream, will you come to the playground with me, what's for dinner, why does everyone go on holidays, don't you think I could get a present because it's holidays?"

:D

It's good, and I mean that ;) But the main thing I'm confronting at the moment is - how do I document this Summer? What do I draw, what's important, where does joy live, and does that matter? Where am I, what am I looking for and what do I need to remember about being here, now, in this moment, Squirt's first Summer holiday after starting school? Yes indeed, where am I in the middle of all this? Can I let go, enjoy? Can I hold onto my newly found sanity without all this time I've learnt to spend with myself? Will I still be here, at least somewhat, when Squirt goes back to school, or will I need to reinvent the wheel all over again? 

Questions. Lots of them. But what I was thinking this morning is - if I don't start doing, documenting things - putting them somewhere, sharing it all - then there is nothing that can grow, either. As long as everything that's in my head - stays there, concept-form, nothing happens. What isn't out there can't evolve into something new, can't be tweaked. It can be thought to death of course - I'm good at that, that I know. But can I work it? Can I be there & do? Can I be here, can I - at least try - to blog about it as it happens? The blue skies, clouds, the humidity and the rain? The happy and the something - the mundane, the questions and the yays of it? 

The only thing I know now - is that if I don't try, nothing happens. So I'm confronting another little truth about myself here. The belief that without a script, nothing comes of any plan. I'm here, and I'm going in without a plan. I'm all organised around this new-found - blankness :) I'm going to photograph what strikes me when it does, and draw what bites my pencil. Daily, as much as I can. That's my plan. So here's what's happened so far:

We went to the local swimming hole ('t Twiske) on Monday, and had a lot of fun :D I'd completely resisted the idea of going there, putting on my bathing suit and being where I was - playing with my kid in my white and less-than-perfect body with all these other people there - but I went. For the first time since we moved here back in 2010, I'm one of those moms, and it felt like a weight was lifted! I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true nonetheless. I don't have to wish a cool mom onto my kid - I am one now, and not just because he had fun, either ;)

I cleaned the garden on Tuesday, and here's where we can lounge now:

Of course, that depends on the weather, too ;) It's not as hot or sunny anymore, but to be truthful, both me and the kid are better for it. And it looks cozy ;)

I cleaned out the sand pit and returned it to the neighbour we borrowed it from. Weepy moment. On the bright side, I found and photographed the biggest slug EVER underneath :D But that's a drawing still waiting to happen, so you need to hold your breath for it ;)

Yesterday was a bit of a non-event because I didn't (and still don't) feel too hot. A cold in the wings, in fact. But I did draw nonetheless:

Squirt said he thought holidays warranted a present, and I agreed. A non-pedagogical moment perhaps, but us parents are allowed some of those. Well, I am, anyway ;) Plenty of those, let's not get started ;) Besides, he only woke me twice during my sort-of-sick on-the-couch 15-minute-nap. So there ;) He chose a small Duplo Zoo set, and I drew it. Memories are where you colour them, right?! ;)

That's what Summer 2013 looks like, so far :)

& I'll be back. That's as solid a promise I can make, being here without a plan ;)

How are you?! How's Summer, or Winter, where you are?

solid

So I didn't take a nosedive. Which is as awesome as it is... disconcerting! Because here I was, all prepared to - uhm, nosedive into my usual shut-down-mode, which is where I generally find myself when chaotic happenings end (the need to take apart and rebuild everything I already knew) - but then I didn't. Which leaves me strangely at a loss when it comes to words. I'm in a good place - not Fabulous, but good, and it's unfamiliar. But if I wait untill I've got the words to bend with the road I'm on, this blog will gather dust. I promised myself it wouldn't, and yet it has been empty here for the past two weeks. I started to write and then I stopped. Drafts waiting for - clarity. Or the recycling bin. I'm not sure. Not sure of much at the moment, but - again - in an unfamiliarly good sense :) Things are cooking, but not boiled down. So here are some drawings that came out over the past couple of weeks.

Squirt's bikes. Which seemed like a great subject to draw - lots of lines and technical what-nots to fight with, as well as a good example of the theme I'd thought up for myself: growing. Yes. And then I found myself quite sad ;)

And then there's that. It wasn't immediately inspired by my kid undeniably growing, but it's a part of the whole story anyway, of course. It's something I fight with, still, at times. Not all the time, but it comes up. And right now, strange as it may sound, it feels like a solid thing to come up. Not something that will push me over any kind of edges, not something I'm making harder for myself, but something that is - understood to be hard. I don't know if that makes any kind of sense to anyone but me, but hanging out in a space where I'm actually okay, this is - alright to feel something about...

I don't feel like I'm on my toes. Of course I'm vigilant - I find myself in a strange field of wildflowers, and while I'm enjoying the scenery, and sniffing the air, I know I'm me and I'm vulnerable. But I'm dealing with things, as they come up, and so far?

I'm squeezing just fine :)

Hope you're fine, too. Hope whatever is on your plate is just enough to hang out with, on the sane side of things. 

Here's to whatever lays ahead & facing up! I'll be back... :)

elemental

No. It isn't metal, although it definitely tastes like it.

It's earth, speaking Chinese.

It's spleen.

It's worrying.

It's stuck in overanalysing minor details.

Apparently, I need to sing and be open.

Yeah.

sensitive

I'm still upside-down. Picasso-esque. And I still think I see light ahead. But I haven't exited the tumbleweed tunnel quite yet. I'm vulnerable, still. 

Mostly, when I get here, my intention is to get things straight for myself, in the first place. Writing it down, as if trying to explain it to someone else, it helps. A lot. I gain clarity and insight from pouring the chaos in my head into a story line - knit beginning, middle and ending to what unwritten remains - mayhem. And I really, really appreciate the comments - more than you'll know.

But I don't have the courage nor the head space to write a blog post today. A huge part of this half of my personality - yes, dramatic; the shoe fits - wants to turn on the apologetics. She wants to blog about fluffy clouds. Not blog about that, per se, but be about that. While I know I ain't about fluffy clouds even on good days. When I know deep-down that I wouldn't want to be about fluffy clouds, especially on good days. But that's the extend of it right now. This is where I was, this is where I still am, and whether I kick and scream or fight it, this is what I have to wait out - whether I want to (I don't), or not.

But enough. I don't have the words to make more sense of this than I did before, so I won't try. I'm here, because I want to share something that almost made me cry this morning. And maybe when you read this, it might help you too. I hope it will. It makes sense to me, and I know I'm not the only one who gets like this. It sounds wrong, but it helps me, to know that. To know that you know what I mean when I hang out, when I feel tied up where I'm not. 

I'm reading a book. And it's eye-opening. I'm not big on labels and conditions, but I want to get a grip on this crap. Desperately. So while the title of this book put me off for the longest time, eventhough a very trusted close friend recommended it to me, I finally dove in. And it's - just so true. It's hard work to get deep with it, and I'm not getting that exactly right, quite yet, but when it comes to naming the feelings I've lived with for so long, when things get bad and when I'm on an almost unnatural high - it's spot-on, and I feel so... understood!

The book is The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine Aron, and while I'm not ready, at all, to bend it to words for myself, let alone here, I really want to share this (in my edition, soft cover, Element, HarperCollins, 2003, it's on page 62-63). It's sort of a - note to self from the inner child. And it's precious. If you're anything like me, it might touch you, too... 

1. Please don’t make me handle more than I can. I am helpless when you do this, and I hurt all over. Please, please, protect me.

2. I was born this way and can’t change. I know you sometimes think something awful must have made me this way, or at least made me 'worse', but that ought to give you even more sympathy for me. Because either way I can’t help it. Either way, don’t blame me for how I am.

3. What I am is wonderful - I let you sense and feel so much more deeply. I am really one of the best things about you.

4. Check in on me often and take care of me right at that moment if you possibly can. Then, when you can’t, I can trust that you are at least trying and I won’t have long to wait.

5. If you must make me wait for my rest, please ask me nicely if it’s okay. I’m only more miserable and troublesome if you get angry and try to force me.

6. Don’t listen to all the people who say you spoil me. You know me. You decide. Yes, sometimes I might do better left alone to cry myself to sleep. But trust your intuition. Sometimes you know I am too upset to be left alone. I do need a pretty attentive, regular routine. But I’m not easily spoiled.

7. When I’m exhausted, I need sleep. Even when I seem totally wide awake. A regular schedule and a calm routine before bed are important to me. Otherwise, I will lie awake in bed all stirred up for hours. I need a lot of time in bed, even if I’m lying awake. I may need it in the middle of the day, too. Please let me have it.

8. Get to know me better. For example, noisy restaurants seem silly to me - how can anybody eat in them? I have a lot of feelings about such things.

9. Keep my toys simple and my life uncomplicated. Don’t take me to more than one party in a week.

10. I might get used to anything in time, but I don’t do well with a lot of sudden change. Please plan for that, even if the others with you can take it and you don’t want to be a drag. Let me go slow.

11. But I don’t want you to coddle me. I especially don’t want you to think of me as sick or weak. I’m wonderfully clever and strong, in my way. I certainly don’t want you hovering over me, worried about me all day. Or making a lot of excuses for me. I don’t want to be seen as a nuisance, to you or to others. Above all, I count on you, the grown-up, to figure out how to do all of this.

12. Please don’t ignore me. Love me!

13. And like me. As I am.

Chicken soup for my troubled soul. Wise, wise words. Will you let me know if they touch you, too?

waiting

Curves, right? I love curves! I love soft, glowing, stretching! Colourful curves! My own feminine curves - sure, why not?! & I'll take Ireland - rolling and green. But my mind is more like a Picasso at his most cubist - upside down & all. Yes, I've got a flair for the dramatic - working on it - and as far as metaphors go, this one is a stretch, even for me ;) But I travel rugged terrain at times, & I get lost.

When I wrote about waiting for the next curve, for life to veer back to me, that's true. I don't mean I stop everything, get a nanny, a cook & a cleaner and find a quiet spot to suspend - I know full well that I need to be available for the curve. Whether the curve finds me, or I find the curve, it happens inside my life; not on a mountain top or in an attic room. I have suspended myself for about 10 years, so I know this. When you hide from life, Fabulous can't find you. I'm living proof - to myself if to no one else - that you can untie yourself, finally, eventually. But it's a ridiculous effort, and it costs, and I don't want to do it again.

But I do wait. While life goes on. I don't wait for wisdom, or insight - I know by now the truest stuff clatters onto your life path when it bloody well feels like it - much like Fabulous, quite unbidden. And it falls inside your life. It doesn't come haloed, with a free retreat (yes! The rolling green hills of Ireland, please!) to practise welcoming it, unwrapping your own version of picture-perfect upon returning home. No. It comes and you leave it where it fell - almost unseen because it doesn't fit quite yet - or you pick it up, take it in and try to wrap yourself around it - all while ironing an evening meal onto the cleaned table. High heels optional.

But still, I wait. While life goes on, because I've got an awesome 4-year-old who doesn't wait, for no man, nor his mamma. And I'm so, so grateful for that kid, because I can't adjourn myself. And he makes me laugh out loud of course, and he makes me angry, and he makes me feel clueless and fun and he makes me want to throw my hands up in despair, and he makes me feel alive! I'm living lives in my days, and although this isn't about the boy, and he's got no responsibility to keep me sane, he does, inadvertently. And he rocks. Because and solidly despite.

But I'm waiting, nonetheless. While I live, care, draw, do laundry and talk to fellow moms at the school gates, about nothing in particular. I wait for zest and juicy to come back. Yes. I know. Curves. I know life isn't all awesome and Flow and Fabulous. I spent enough time observing life from a lay-by to know that the fast lane kills. But somehow, and I haven't figured out the why or the how quite yet, I never dip to cruising speed; my engine splutters and I swerve! Not quite into oncoming traffic - not much, not always, anyway - but it feels like I'm going the wrong way all of a sudden. Like nothing makes sense anymore. Like an alien inside my own skin, inside my own daily, unchanged life. Like I said, my moods, my je ne sais quoi? I curve Picasso-esque! When Fabulous leaves, comfort leaves in her wake. Is that crazy? Pathology, anyone? Wait! Don't answer that ;) This is my life, wonky as it gets at times, and the skipping little girl-part of me doesn't want to know, she just wants to learn to deal!

So I wait and wear daily routine as a life vest of sorts. Holding on to what I know matters, even if I can't feel it then and there. Going through the motions. Trying to stay afloat while mild to moderate panic and despair wash over me, and nothing feels quite good enough to keep me grounded where I know I live. I can't pinpoint where it starts, or why - eventhough I think I know at times. In the end, it feels like everything. Like I lose the healthy filters between me and my world and everything washes over me. I feel defenseless - I don't know what's important anymore, so everything becomes weighty and serious. While I still deep-down know I don't need to quit or give up on anything I'm learning to embrace as solidly me and beautiful, I can't touch that knowledge and it takes most of my energy not to let go, to wash out; change my skin and start over again, being who I'm not - apologise.

This cycle is familiar. I'm just starting to recognise it, but the truth of it feels old, well-worn. Like it's always been like this. Not Fabulous, she's still quite new - she introduced herself when I emerged from where I wasn't. But how I lose my rhythm, my song, how I disappear - even now that I'm generally - really - quite comfortable inside my skin and my life? Old, old fabric, right there... From Fabulous into hiding. Never past go to collect salary or a soft pillow to land. Straight into that austere place where I can't quite grasp where or why I matter anymore. Until it passes. Because it does. An unmarked doorway, unobtrusive - corner-of-the-eye stuff, never there when you look for it? I don't know. Hindsight, looking back, I can never see how I came to that place nor how I left there. It just - unhappens. It dissolves. So yes. I wait until it does.

So I know this, about myself. I disappear. I go where I need to go, but I can't go out of my way. I've known this for a long time, and I have a grudging understanding for it - for no other reason than the fact that it comes and it hangs out, regardless. But I'm not okay with it. I can't stand shapeless things! Of course I've always poked and prodded, tried to turn it inside-out. Because it bites me where I'm trying to be soft! It feels like everything I've learned about being me, everything I'm learning to accept, to laugh about, to respect or to cuddle, suddenly becomes moot. Ridiculous, weird in a faulty, flawed way, all over again - until it isn't anymore. Until I'm back, re-hinged, oiled & in working order. Just like that. Everything that gained weight till it mattered becomes ridiculous in turn and I'm made to look like a fool in my own eyes till I smile, grin, laugh out loud and shrug.

I'm waiting my way up and out right now, and I think I see light ahead. About time, because I've been here for weeks. I'm reporting from the inside, and it's hard. I've been writing and rewriting this for days. But it's important. It feels important. To remember this when it takes flight again  - the whole thing, as it is, not the snippets in my journal; those just reflect the quality of frustration, yellowing before the ink is dry.

This is a wart. A big one. One that's been colouring my life for as long as I can remember - now that I allow myself to really look. And I have an inkling about it. The first idea that I might not have to just accept and live with this, for ever, just the way it is. Something about the why of the whole thing. Something really changes once you start looking at yourself as essentially okay. Even when you feel like you're solidly not. Stuff that I always saw as proof for not quite, suddenly becomes the raw material of who I already am. It feels like - somehow - I just need to translate this. The little girl inside has been telling me this all along, but it's taken me long to listen: I need to find out how to DEAL. 

I need to find out how to deal, because after all this time, after everything, I refuse to accept that I'm faulty, flawed, or even weird. How's that for a salty truth?! I'll go with intense. I'll give you that. Because I don't believe it's a flaw - it's a trait, and one that I'm okay with. One that I'm starting to value even! On good days, of course ;)

I'm intense, and I'm open. And I don't know how to hit the breaks. I don't think I have to change, pull up my guards - I'm learning to like myself and my honesty - but I need to learn to break - get quiet and assess. Before Picasso breaks for me and everything turns wonky. And this is new and tentative, but I think I can learn to save myself - before I fall apart. And knowing that this comes from the bottom of the barrel and I'm all naked in there, shouting anyway? As a woman in progress, I think that means there is truth in it. And hard work. Yes, that too ;) But I'm good with that - there's courage and hope in finding something to work with!

So how are you?! Do you know how to break?

optimism

* people-drawing because the teacher told me to ;)

* subject matter provided by the Just Draw It! FB group :) 

comfort

8 days - interesting ;) I set my goal for a blog post a week, and for the past 4 weeks, I've ended up flying in a day late. I'd love to say that's unusual for me, but it's not. Back when I was in the mud, I was always on time, and I'd come to identify with that. I have always thought of myself as punctual, but I'm not! Just another wart I'm learning to embrace ;)

It's all tied to my relationship with time. Most things are, in the end. Whether it's about meeting someone on time (including getting my kid to school and picking him up again...), forgetting time and getting carried away, being aware of time when I know there's something I've got to do and let that get in the way of forgetting time, or the tension when I try to get 'it all' done - time is an issue. Relationships are hard work, and this one is no different. I'd love to say I'm here because I've figured it all out, but I'm not. I'm just complaining ;)

I've had a crazy week, but a juicy one! A different approach to much of everything I do on a daily basis - because I did most of it in heels :)

These heels :) I even took them outside for shopping! Once. Only once. So far. It was hard! It was hard, and funny :) I smiled almost the whole way out and back, because I felt so unable :) I was stumbling on them - I'm pretty sure there was nothing sexy about me trying to get around on them - but I loved it! Because I felt so unable!

After going through life for a while, we get comfortable, right? We've got our routines, and it works, so why mess with it all? I'm right there with you. I'm all about learning curves and - when trying to embrace who I already am, including the warts - there are many of those; but then there are the normal things, the day-to-day stuff that's working, and because there are so many challenges all over the place anyway, why challenge the stuff that's good, the things that are in working order, the things that are solid just the way they are?

No need to do that, of course. At all. But I found myself with these heels this week; these heels and a promise made to my 4-year-old :) So I was going to practise. And everything routine became a challenge just like that. There was no conscious decision to smile about it all - of course, that would have been the Zen way, and I'm not really there quite yet ;) - but it just sort of happened! These heels and my inability made me laugh out loud :) Especially when I decided to go out in them and buy eggs :D

There is nothing wrong with comfortable. And if time is an issue, being fine with the routine way I do many of the recurring household chores is perfect. I'm not challenging you or myself to do something different when it's working, and I'm not saying you're boring when you do the laundry wearing pyjamas - at all! Some of the mundane daily stuff is boring and has to be dealt with swiftly so we can get on being succulent and wild elsewhere!

But these heels; this actual, literal walk outside my comfort zone - there is a parallel to the way I'm leaning into me and the warts, the way I challenge myself to embrace the things I can and can't quite do! That's why wearing them is so juicy eventhough - no, because I still look quite ridiculous trying to walk as if I can ;)

It reminds me, quite forcefully, quite literally, that there are many things I could still learn to do - things that are solidly outside my current comfort zone! That I have many muscles that are underused, but there for the training, if I choose to do so! That it's all in the choices, really - whether I want to stay comfortable where I am comfortable, or whether I want to spice it up a little! I'm learning to stand tall in who I am - that's inside my whole Warts & All theme. And it's hard. But those heels show me that I can do it - beyond what happens when wearing heels when you're 5'11" ;) It's really just a matter of training the muscles that will help me stretch to the full extent of who I am :D

I've been challenged to go outside my usual by Koosje and her absolutely awesome ecourse as well, over the past two weeks! Last week was all about graphite, this week we've been working with coloured pencils :) This post's drawings were done as assignments :) I'm having so much fun, drawing outside my home-made box, learning new skills, and yes, working underused muscles ;) After a week of coloured pencils and heels, my whole body hurts - and I'm not kidding! Maybe I'm taking this all a little too seriously? Hah, probably. Apparently I can be quite unstoppable outside my comfort zone ;) Because I might not be hanging out where I thought I was most comfortable, these days, but a zone it still is! There is flow, when I travel - energy in new paths! I really had one crazy week :D

The only thing all this doesn't do, is change my relationship with time for the better. I get carried away, take more time than I have, especially for the mundane & routine. But somewhere, I'm convinced - for now, quite conveniently ;) - that's a good thing. I can work on that, later! I'm saving it for boring times ;)

Big X to Koosje & my kid :D For making things so interesting, and juicy :D

What are you up to these days?

character

I'm going to share myself as a chair.

I knew you didn't see that one coming :D

Pikaland Make Your Mark assignment # 5, finished about a month ago.

Draw the chair you think you are, artistically. I think I made it more about me in general, but that's okay. I'm okay with that. It's fascinating either way, and I was surprised at what came up & out! 

Me as a chair: black & white as instructed for part one - brutal honesty as a personal touch.

Part 2: chair, coloured. Yes. It's quite possible you recognise this chair. Three drawings in one week, people, it was hard work! So I cut a corner. But only a little one. And one that's quite fitting, when you think of it ;)

And finally, my chair against a background without white. I love this one. It involved watercolour, photoshop, micron pen drawing, more watercolour, some gouache and coloured pencils, more photoshop, actual printing, cutting and pasting (the cushion), lettering and scanning! It was an exercise in getting out of my comfortzone, while still ending up with an illustration that's me - both in style and punchline :) 

On a different note, my wrist is still not back to what it should be. I know what's wrong with it - stress, from my head into my shoulder muscles, down into my wrist to settle there. I've had it before, but never this long or quite this severe, and it's been getting me down and optimistic, pessimistic and back up again. I've discovered that I need my wrist for pretty much everything I love to do, as well as for everything I sort of have to do, like cleaning and chopping veggies. While it really is no hardship not to be able to cook healthy family meals or chase dust bunnies for a while - it is a b**ch not to be able to fill all that lovely downtime with all the things I complain I never have time to do more of... Ouch.

I am when I write, when I draw and paint, and when I blog, read blogs + comment and spend time on Facebook being amazed, amused and touched. I am not so much when I can't. It's a lesson. A big, overwhelming one. One that leaves me kicking and screaming until I tell myself it will pass when I stop fighting it. Do I believe that, to the core? I do. I have to. Because this is what I reinvented myself to be when I started cleaning out my closets back in 2010. And I really don't think I've got the stomach to go back in! Sorry for the dramatics. Just thought I'd let you know where I am these days. While I'm there. I have absolutely no intention to stay here, much longer!

Anything you're ready to kick to the curb?! I'd love the perspective right now!

MYM

It's been almost two weeks since this blog has seen any action from me... Lots of comments though, thank you so much :D

I've been a little - okay, a lot! - busy with Pikaland's Making Your Mark e-course. It's a course that promises to help you find or investigate your personal style in various ways, and so far that's true. There is a new assignment every week, and there is plenty of room to stretch yourself, if you choose to. It's interesting! Last week I had to create an image from a combination of one item on a list of things I KNOW and one item off a list of things I LOVE, and then recreate that image in both pen & ink and collage! It was a total challenge, especially to get it all finished within a week ;) But I did, and I love the way it coaxed me out of my comfort zone - especially the black and white image that was supposed to include tones and values. Man, tones and values are hard! I knew that, I've only just begun trying to add more light and shadows to my watercolour pieces, but then to decide whether red is lighter than blue, and how to represent that in ink lines? Hard!

Here is what I did in my 'medium of choice'. My 'items' were "I LOVE going outside with my kid on his balance bike - he's given me new eyes and a new lease on wonder", and "I KNOW my kid is half South-African". The elephant was annoying - I miscoloured it, then re-coloured it, which didn't work as well as I'd hoped, and then I tried to rescue the whole blessed overworked thing with coloured pencils. Let's just say he's got a skin condition and be done with it ;) And let's say I'm able to draw an elephant that looks like an elephant, because in the end, that impressed me most :D As well as how I drew my kid :D Sure, there is something not quite right with his hairline, but hey - we all need areas of practise, right?! ;)

This week's assignment will be fun too, I think and hope! We were meant to go to a museum or art gallery, and revisit an existing work of art. And while that sounds like fun (can't remember the last time I went to a museum - shame on me!), I don't really see when I could be doing that and finish some art work before Monday. And then I remembered (funny how these things work, really!) that there is a whole ado around here about a couple of months that Claude Monet spent in Zaandam back in 1871! I investigated and found out there is a little book about it, so I went out and got that - and there are quite a couple of surprises there :D But I won't spoil the fun just yet - I'll post about that when I'm able to illustrate my findings ;)

Yes, I'm enjoying MYM, for sure! I love a good challenge! I am a little disappointed in the lacking sense of community there though. After both assignments, I've been going out of my way to find something constructive to say about each and every piece of art work posted - because I feel that's part of the deal, and because I enjoy seeing what others come up with, for inspiration and at times awe, but hardly anyone bothers to come back and do the same. Apart from Koosje & Jodi - much appreciated :) Of course that is what it is, but in the end, I feel I've paid a lot of money for just a challenge and some feedback from the course's creators - who don't come back for a bit of dialogue either. But it is what it is. All that said and paid for, I will enjoy the challenge, and see what I can get out of Monet in Zaandam. Because honestly? I probably never would have investigated what the ado was about if it wasn't for MYM :)

Are you straying outside your comfort zone in any way? I'd love to hear and see!!

pet

Here's number 2 in Red Parka Diaries' drawing challenge. I drew my pet :D

Okay. I'm stretching it here. This is Shrek's cousin Chilz. He stopped by to pose with some freshly picked dandelions from our backyard (incidentally the only flower blooming there at the moment...), because I wanted to draw him for a birthday card for the neighbour across the street. I wanted Shrek, of course, but he couldn't make it on such short notice. Besides, his fees are ridiculous! And I say, an Ogre is an Ogre, really. When it comes down to it. Not that the neighbour is an Ogre of course. He just likes Shrek. And Chilz, I hope ;)*

Of course, I'm not keeping an Ogre for a pet. I don't think you're actually allowed. Not that rules are always stopping people, but I draw the line at Ogres. For myself, anyway.

Truth is, we don't have a pet. Just a kid. And he's at least as cute and entertaining! I know I could have drawn someone else's pet, but everyone else has a cat. And at the risk of offending - I hate cats. I don't want to stare one in the eye long enough to draw it. They creep me out... So I'm submitting Chilz. As a pet. He said I could ;)

Here's what I did for number 9. And I'm working on number 1 today :)

* I am utterly AMAZED at people (like Koosje!) who are able to draw a character and stick with it, reproducing it in many different poses and surroundings. I can't do it! I can only draw what I see, and if Chilz is evidence, not even that entirely true to the examples in front of me! Obviously, this was meant to be Shrek. But I just couldn't get it right! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with Chilz, but it just isn't Shrek... Chilz says - nor does he want to be, thanks very much! Shrek is way too busy Being Famous, if you know what I mean. But that's besides the point ;)

scattered

Before anything else: happy New Year! I hope 2012 brings you all that you need, and some of what you want, too ;) I'm going with wabi-sabi here. The beauty of things imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. How much easier life would possibly be if we accepted these inherent aspects of, well, everything - given time. And saw the beauty in it all. So lofty, but heartfelt a wish :)

This drawing was meant to represent a lack of self-nurture. How pouring out tea and sympathy without taking time to recharge myself was wearing the kettle thin. But I decided I didn't want to go with that description. It's a choice. Self-pity or wabi-sabi. And while I don't feel the bottom of it all quite yet - and heck, I may never ;) - I feel that it's wise to be choosing acceptance and the beauty of imperfection over... well... self-pity. Or putting the intention out there, anyway ;)


Intent, intention, yes indeed. Operative words over here. As in: I need some... Having survived the busy months of November (several birthdays) and December (Sinterklaas and the rest of it), and some marital blisters, I'm struggling to find my feet. Proverbially, of course. I didn't eat that much ;)

It feels like I know where I'm trying to go, approximately, pretty much, the general direction, anyway, but I can't get it into words, into goals, into a workable plan! Like something on the tip of your tongue; you can almost taste it, but it keeps escaping your conscious mind! Hence, canned crap. As in, I've opened a can. Or several ;) While trying to get quiet enough to hear what's buried deep, I keep getting flushed by static, white noise!

I think I've somehow, subconsciously, told myself I need a Schedule towards a Plan to move forward. A Plan and a Schedule. And now that I've swallowed and become my need for a Schedule and a Plan, I'm stalling! In every bloody way! Everything daily life throws at me becomes an Obstacle. A friend being less than kind? It consumes me for 2 (TWO!) weeks, and then I let it fizzle out! My hairdresser moved? It's an Epic Drama that keeps me from writing my morning pages, though I went there only once! Writing a shopping list? It feels like I'm trying to gather courage to write a Great American Novel (and ends in ordering pizza for dinner)! And that's just the tip of the iceberg, but I'll spare you the long version ;)

I'm letting myself, making myself feel scattered! As Patti Digh puts it so neatly, this is my pattern of investing in the story of obstacle instead of the story of yearning. It's a variation on the age-old theme of 'I can't, not before everything else is perfectly arranged!', and it's wearing me out! I'm not reading the books I ordered, with their wisdom inside. I'm not reading my favourite blogs and I'm not writing blog posts either. Well, I didn't, for weeks, and I don't know when I'll be back here again ;) I'm not meditating. I'm not drinking more water. I haven't finished picking out my word(s) for this year. I'm making a mess of things, because I'm scattered. And I'm scattered, because apparantly, I want to be scattered of sorts. Not consciously, maybe, but the proof is in the pudding nonetheless.

The one thing I have been doing is draw. I might not be able to reason myself out of this pickle, but I'm drawing a fine picture of it ;) And there is something to be said for that. Maybe that is my story of yearning for right now. Don't think about it, don't schedule, just draw the pickle. Maybe the rest will come when I'm quiet, really quiet, drawing the mess I like to think I'm in.

I'm going to be running with that one, guys! It's actually the first thing coming out of my overwhelmed January mind that makes me feel easier in my skin! Like drawing my canned crap this morning. I knew it wouldn't solve it all, but it sure was fun ;) I think I'm going to be cutting myself some slack over the next few days, see where it leaves me :)

Does the New Year make you feel giddy with possibility, or are you a little overwhelmed as well? I'd really love to hear how you're coping with the widely proclaimed pristine-ness of it all, so far!

carpet

I started this bit of art-ish-tics just to see how I could draw our carpet (using watercolour and coloured pencil, as it turns out). Then I got sucked into drawing the hoover - pun unintentional, but on point ;) And this is where it ended, quite unplanned.

This is not how we coexist in this house! Willing or not, you probably gleaned I'm not always one for letting things go easily (although I'm fervently working on that - really!), or to let sleeping dogs get their much deserved sleep ;)

But we did celebrate 11 years of marriage, last Thursday! At times, dust bunnies take over the house - small & bigger arguments left unresolved overnight, petty grievances unaired, random crap rehashed and chewed again, you know the sort of thing ;) It sure as hell isn't always easy, but then, no one said it would be! But we're still here. And as far as I'm concerned, we're sticking it out!

Happy anniversary, honey :)

silly

I wasn't in the right place for the last session, but I'm here now & in desperate need of some spurred inspiration!
Here's to the Art of Silliness 4. Silly is as Silly does, & I'm ready ;)

P.S. It's not too late to join!

truck

In the stormy winds that raged here the past days, some roofing tore loose off a neighbour's dormer. It was hanging quite precariously, so the fire service was called out.
The truck was parked right in front of our house, and if you know anything about Squirt's LOVE for cars, you can imagine this was Da Bomb ;) He pretty much had his nose stuck to the glass the whole time :)

prized

These are some drawings I did last month, for the Sketchbook Challenge. The theme of January was Highly Prized. And while I'm having a hard, hard time getting to my emotions these days, when it comes to Most Loved in my life, Squirt wins, hands down :) Along with the fact that I can actually still carry him... for now...

And of course there is drawing; the creative act itself. Love that. Need more practise, but that's okay. That's why I'm doing these :) Faces... Oww, faces... But the only way to get them right is - practise... (or draw baby boy's butt, of course).

I'm looking forward to finding out about February's theme! And if you've met the challenge, let me know - I'd love to see your work!