style

Pure Photo Workshop - Week 1
I don't want to start off complaining, but I will mention that I've got a lot going on at the moment! Flow? She is right here! Stirring me, inspiring me, making me a little crazy, too :) On the edge of overwhelm, so I need to stick close to myself, to try and be smooth with it all. It wasn't all that long ago that I was trapped in the austere room, the fragile place, and I've got no intention to go back. Not now, not ever, although that might be too bold a statement. Let's go with - gentle. As much as possible ;)

Tackling one thing at a time, I'm taking part in a four-week photography workshop called Pure Photo Workshop, organised by Jane! Back in 2010, I joined a similar workshop, which was pretty cool (see those posts by clicking here), and I was really excited when I received an email from Jane, asking me if I'd be interested in taking part again!

The first assignment was posted on Sunday, last week, and it invited us to explore personal style. To find images that speak to and of us. To create a My Style pinboard over on Pinterest - and discover yourself and your personal style.

I have to admit I've avoided Pinterest, so far. Not because I'm against it in any way, or because I couldn't see myself using it - more because I could see myself hanging out there. I have explored Pinterest, of course, to see what it was about, and I decided to stay away from it, especially because it's vast and beautiful... Because I knew it would get in the way of doing as opposed to browsing. The internet is such an inspiring place for easy procrastinators like me, and I didn't feel I needed another excuse ;)

Coaxed by the assignment, I made an account and started pinning, anyway - you can see my pinboard here. But it didn't feel right. First of all, I was too hurried. Pinning left, right and center like there was no tomorrow, all while knowing I wasn't even merely making a dent. There is no way I can quickly pick and choose my way through all that beauty on offer - and really feel like I'm closing in on who I am. And secondly it feels sort of wrong to try and show myself through other people's art, photos and images. I guess this comes from being preoccupied with honesty and nakedness on a personal level; I'm all about being open and inviting you in.

So instead of pinning and trying to catch up with the whole Pinterest Revolution in one day, I've decided to create a couple of personal photo collages from the stretched archives on my hard drive, instead.

Here's me, then; here's parts of me.

This is my home. I love colour. There is a lot of red, white and blue going on, which is a coincidence as far as nationalism is concerned, but a conscious and happy choice nonetheless ;)

My kid is four and a half, and he's awesome. I'll be 40 at the end of this year. I'm a stay-at-home mamma and an artist. I think too much. And I'm happier than you'd think from reading this blog.

My absolute favourite colour combination is blue and orange :D It took me a long time to embrace orange as a colour, but now that I've got it, I'm sold :)

I love being outside, exploring the little things; the happy coincidences, found paint splatters, tiny bits of nature and wildlife. Having my kid around to point out things I'd otherwise miss really helps :)

And I draw. A lot. I want to draw more. I don't draw as much as I can, but I want to. Like I said, I'm a procrastinator and I think a lot, and that gets in the way. But drawing makes me happy - whether it's inside, at my dinner table studio; or outside, somewhere, drawing whatever jumps out.

I'm all about learning to embrace my warts these days. Seeing I'll be turning 40 soon, I think it's about time to be okay. Be enough. Be.

When I'm not outside, drawing what I see, I draw about being human. About growing and stretching. About seeing light in a dark corner. Finding a smile where you thought there wasn't space for one. That's what I think I'm drawing - that's what it feels like. But you're free to see what you see, of course :)

All that said, here is the photo that I took today. This is where I draw. It's where I am, even when I'm not. This is the place I think of when I think of happy:

And this is the rest of happy:

I'm using a Panasonic Lumix FZ18. It's getting older, but it still does tricks :)

I'm looking forward to seeing what everyone else has come up with!

resigning

I've been walking around with my head in the clouds lately. Everything felt gorgeous! Things weren't smooth, necessarily, but the yeahs outweighed the what's-its for weeks! Fabulous! She came out of nowhere and waved magic around me!

And now, all of a sudden, walking in high-heeled shoes just doesn't work anymore. I put them on, I lean in, but it doesn't make me smile. The awesome is gone. I put them on to practise, and frankly because I want to hang on to amazing, but it doesn't work like that. That much is clear. I'm trying! In fact, I'm wearing them right now! But Fabulous has left. Leaving me trying to grab, hold on - knowing I can't win. Not like that, anyway.

This is tentative, at best, but I'm thinking it's all inside the difference between feeling it and trying to ride the wave. Living it, as opposed to trying to grab the story line, holding on to it for dear life. Going about your life with feeling, and letting Fabulous find you as you are. Warts & all, of course.

Somewhere along the line, by the wayside of talking about Fabulous, I forgot to feel her where she lives. I'm not all that familiar with Fabulous quite yet, but here's what I'm finding out; she needs to be felt. She doesn't like to be cemented. She doesn't want to be caught or captured, she likes to be free. She'll stay as long as you feed her, but you can't talk her back on the couch with you. 

And that, quite honestly, sucks! Because I talk! I've spent my life trying to capture and catch, trying to hold on and keep! My relationship with flexibility is new, and anything but flexible quite yet! I've always lassoed words around everything, knitted stories around what's up. Never mind that it didn't really work in any long run, ever - the point is, I'm slap-bang in the middle of the pradigm shift of a lifetime, and right now, I really feel the depth of neither here, nor there, quite yet!

Some stuff happened. That means, in this instance, that a can of worms was re-opened and I've been thinking about my womb again. I wish I could just say don't DO that, then!, but that would be too easy (because I can see a future road of Regret stretch out before me - mirage-style - if I let this whole thing lie where it's sleeping). So it's a good thing, I think. There are things you can't put off for too long. You can't leave them lounging in the back of your fridge, because no matter what their shelf-life is, at some point they will grow fuzz and legs and jump you. When it's least convenient. Yup.

But I was doing so well! I was hanging out with Fabulous, and we liked each other! And the crap thing about cans of worms? You can never just grab one worm and eat it with ketchup. When you start pulling, there's always a tangle of them, and they're never quiet and thoughtful and patient. They don't listen to reason. They mess up the kitchen you just cleaned in your awesome red boots and what you want to do is - you want to scream and send them packing. Stuff them back. Anything to keep Fabulous around! Anything not to have to go anywhere with the worms!

But what you need to do is - sit down in a puddle of sauce, right then and there, worms everywhere, and resign. Give up fighting to keep Fabulous where she feels she isn't wooed, and regroup.

It's really hard for me to hold on to what's going well, what's feeling good and wholesome and right when there are worms screaming at me from the opened fridge, but that's something I do need to learn. I need to listen to the worms and hang out with Fabulous. Maybe not quite at the same time, but I need to learn to be bendy around both. 

It's hard not to drown in never quite good enough - again. It's hard not to tell myself see, you tried, but it didn't last - we always knew you'd fall of your perch, didn't we?

But in the end, the only person deciding whether I'm good enough to run with my warts, in heels, juggling worms, pencils, my kid, my reproductive organs, my online presence and my social life - is me. Inside my life - though other people might have opinions - I'm the only one who can say I am enough and run with that, see where it takes me.

So I'm here, gathering courage again. The courage to sit down. To resign and to let the worms do their dance. To bravely show life my open palm; come sit with me. We might not always be best friends, but we can have coffee, right? I'm enough, warts & all, and I'll have you sit with me just the way you are today, too; let's just see what happens when we don't fight or try so hard to sort it all out, between us!

It's a lot like my yoga practise these days. I often find myself thinking that this isn't comfortable, I don't like this! But then I tell myself - it isn't about being all cool with the stretch, it's about the stretch. It's about being there, even when it's uncomfortable, and hanging out with that.

Yes. Like I said, I talk well. So I'm off to lean in now. And while that might prove a whole lot harder than writing about it, I'm doing it, anyway.

See ya, Fabulous! I know you'll be back, and I'll be here. Sauce on my chin, worms in my hair, but I'll be here. Wearing my stupid heels!

** those hands were drawn for Koosje's course, and I LOVED doing them! After a whole lot of procrastinating and I can't do this! I don't DO people, I don't DO body parts! ;)

Koosje is a super teacher, her course is still working magic, even if the heels and Fabulous don't! It seems like resigning was the message all along, this week. And if I can draw hands like this, dealing with worms should be a piece of cake, right?! Hahaha ;)

optimism

* people-drawing because the teacher told me to ;)

* subject matter provided by the Just Draw It! FB group :) 

comfort

8 days - interesting ;) I set my goal for a blog post a week, and for the past 4 weeks, I've ended up flying in a day late. I'd love to say that's unusual for me, but it's not. Back when I was in the mud, I was always on time, and I'd come to identify with that. I have always thought of myself as punctual, but I'm not! Just another wart I'm learning to embrace ;)

It's all tied to my relationship with time. Most things are, in the end. Whether it's about meeting someone on time (including getting my kid to school and picking him up again...), forgetting time and getting carried away, being aware of time when I know there's something I've got to do and let that get in the way of forgetting time, or the tension when I try to get 'it all' done - time is an issue. Relationships are hard work, and this one is no different. I'd love to say I'm here because I've figured it all out, but I'm not. I'm just complaining ;)

I've had a crazy week, but a juicy one! A different approach to much of everything I do on a daily basis - because I did most of it in heels :)

These heels :) I even took them outside for shopping! Once. Only once. So far. It was hard! It was hard, and funny :) I smiled almost the whole way out and back, because I felt so unable :) I was stumbling on them - I'm pretty sure there was nothing sexy about me trying to get around on them - but I loved it! Because I felt so unable!

After going through life for a while, we get comfortable, right? We've got our routines, and it works, so why mess with it all? I'm right there with you. I'm all about learning curves and - when trying to embrace who I already am, including the warts - there are many of those; but then there are the normal things, the day-to-day stuff that's working, and because there are so many challenges all over the place anyway, why challenge the stuff that's good, the things that are in working order, the things that are solid just the way they are?

No need to do that, of course. At all. But I found myself with these heels this week; these heels and a promise made to my 4-year-old :) So I was going to practise. And everything routine became a challenge just like that. There was no conscious decision to smile about it all - of course, that would have been the Zen way, and I'm not really there quite yet ;) - but it just sort of happened! These heels and my inability made me laugh out loud :) Especially when I decided to go out in them and buy eggs :D

There is nothing wrong with comfortable. And if time is an issue, being fine with the routine way I do many of the recurring household chores is perfect. I'm not challenging you or myself to do something different when it's working, and I'm not saying you're boring when you do the laundry wearing pyjamas - at all! Some of the mundane daily stuff is boring and has to be dealt with swiftly so we can get on being succulent and wild elsewhere!

But these heels; this actual, literal walk outside my comfort zone - there is a parallel to the way I'm leaning into me and the warts, the way I challenge myself to embrace the things I can and can't quite do! That's why wearing them is so juicy eventhough - no, because I still look quite ridiculous trying to walk as if I can ;)

It reminds me, quite forcefully, quite literally, that there are many things I could still learn to do - things that are solidly outside my current comfort zone! That I have many muscles that are underused, but there for the training, if I choose to do so! That it's all in the choices, really - whether I want to stay comfortable where I am comfortable, or whether I want to spice it up a little! I'm learning to stand tall in who I am - that's inside my whole Warts & All theme. And it's hard. But those heels show me that I can do it - beyond what happens when wearing heels when you're 5'11" ;) It's really just a matter of training the muscles that will help me stretch to the full extent of who I am :D

I've been challenged to go outside my usual by Koosje and her absolutely awesome ecourse as well, over the past two weeks! Last week was all about graphite, this week we've been working with coloured pencils :) This post's drawings were done as assignments :) I'm having so much fun, drawing outside my home-made box, learning new skills, and yes, working underused muscles ;) After a week of coloured pencils and heels, my whole body hurts - and I'm not kidding! Maybe I'm taking this all a little too seriously? Hah, probably. Apparently I can be quite unstoppable outside my comfort zone ;) Because I might not be hanging out where I thought I was most comfortable, these days, but a zone it still is! There is flow, when I travel - energy in new paths! I really had one crazy week :D

The only thing all this doesn't do, is change my relationship with time for the better. I get carried away, take more time than I have, especially for the mundane & routine. But somewhere, I'm convinced - for now, quite conveniently ;) - that's a good thing. I can work on that, later! I'm saving it for boring times ;)

Big X to Koosje & my kid :D For making things so interesting, and juicy :D

What are you up to these days?

IF - Myth

I've linked to Illustration Friday for the first time ever :D

I wish I could say I'm going to be doing this every week, or even regularly. As far as this week's topic of myth goes, having time to do everything I'd love to do - that's a total myth, too. I've been trying to climb the walls of constraint, but heck, they're slippery! I know I'm going to have to accept that bit of truth, right there, but I'm not ready. Not quite. In fact, these days, the limits time puts on what I can do is my biggest frustration! It's like living at home with parents again - kicking against a regime that won't budge! Darn ;)

There's a blog post in that, but not today. Time has put a spoke in that wheel & all. But it's okay - I'm here, and that's what counts! Besides, things have been a little on the heavy, soul-deep side here. And while there is nothing wrong with that, because I'm embracing the way I think about things, and this is the perfect space for hugging my warts in public - perhaps it's good to break it up with something light & fun ;) A reminder that whatever else I write about here, my life really is good, and I do have a fully grown funny bone! My kid is hilarious, and he so takes after me ;)

I bought this pair of heels spur of the moment. Cheered on by my four-year-old - he loves heels, and that's not because he regularly sees me in any ;) I'm 1m80cm tall. That's always been my excuse not to buy heels. I'm not sure why - but I guess that's what comes with being almost forty and finally finding comfort in this skin. Why not? I asked myself last Wednesday, in the face of hot sales prices (they were a bargain!) and a dancing kid.

It didn't take me long to figure out 'why not'. Haha, it will take me weeks of indoor practise before I'll be able to merely take them around the block. On my feet, that is ;) Talk about outside my comfort zone! But in a way, it's perfect. It's called for. And I will practise :D

I did this drawing for Koosje's ecourse Just Draw It! I'm having so much FUN!! I'm being dragged out of another comfort zone - pen and watercolours - to get into the basics of drawing, and it's awesome! I taught myself everything I know about drawing, so far. And by teaching I mean a process of trial and error on repeat. Which is great, of course. But it's really informative to be taught the basics. To go back to where I've never really been and see both what I already do know - just from getting my hands dirty for about three years now - and what could use (serious) practise. And I am practising - all the pockets of time I can find! Up to my wrists in graphite this week, and loving even the eraser rubbings - which is a stretch ;) Koosje is a lovely, patient, knowledgeable, enthusiastic, inspired and inspiring teacher. I'll share the next course dates on this blog, because I really think you'd love taking it. I'm just sorry we're not in class together now :)

One day, my son will bring home a girlfriend in heels. That's a given. All I can promise him until then, is that I'll work my butt off to be able to walk him to school in these one day. While I'm the woman in his life. And before he's too old to care ;)

What's taking you out of your comfort zone these days - and are you leaning in? :)

course!

I've been busy, over the past months - figuring out what I love, what's important to me, and how I want to find room for it all in my daily life - there is at least another blog post in that, and it's in the works ;) - but right now, I'm here to share something with you!

If you're FB friends with me, you will have read this before, but Koosje, my talented, prolific and brave friend, has put together a drawing course that's rumoured - and I really do believe those rumours, Jodi is awesome too - to be amazing! She's running the course for the second time, starting on Monday the 14th of January, and I'm going to be in class :D

If you love drawing - whether you think you're talented or not - and you're ready to explore and expand your skills - or just curious to see what you can do - Just Draw It! is definitely worth checking out!

I would love to be classmates - please join us!

character

I'm going to share myself as a chair.

I knew you didn't see that one coming :D

Pikaland Make Your Mark assignment # 5, finished about a month ago.

Draw the chair you think you are, artistically. I think I made it more about me in general, but that's okay. I'm okay with that. It's fascinating either way, and I was surprised at what came up & out! 

Me as a chair: black & white as instructed for part one - brutal honesty as a personal touch.

Part 2: chair, coloured. Yes. It's quite possible you recognise this chair. Three drawings in one week, people, it was hard work! So I cut a corner. But only a little one. And one that's quite fitting, when you think of it ;)

And finally, my chair against a background without white. I love this one. It involved watercolour, photoshop, micron pen drawing, more watercolour, some gouache and coloured pencils, more photoshop, actual printing, cutting and pasting (the cushion), lettering and scanning! It was an exercise in getting out of my comfortzone, while still ending up with an illustration that's me - both in style and punchline :) 

On a different note, my wrist is still not back to what it should be. I know what's wrong with it - stress, from my head into my shoulder muscles, down into my wrist to settle there. I've had it before, but never this long or quite this severe, and it's been getting me down and optimistic, pessimistic and back up again. I've discovered that I need my wrist for pretty much everything I love to do, as well as for everything I sort of have to do, like cleaning and chopping veggies. While it really is no hardship not to be able to cook healthy family meals or chase dust bunnies for a while - it is a b**ch not to be able to fill all that lovely downtime with all the things I complain I never have time to do more of... Ouch.

I am when I write, when I draw and paint, and when I blog, read blogs + comment and spend time on Facebook being amazed, amused and touched. I am not so much when I can't. It's a lesson. A big, overwhelming one. One that leaves me kicking and screaming until I tell myself it will pass when I stop fighting it. Do I believe that, to the core? I do. I have to. Because this is what I reinvented myself to be when I started cleaning out my closets back in 2010. And I really don't think I've got the stomach to go back in! Sorry for the dramatics. Just thought I'd let you know where I am these days. While I'm there. I have absolutely no intention to stay here, much longer!

Anything you're ready to kick to the curb?! I'd love the perspective right now!

MYM

It's been almost two weeks since this blog has seen any action from me... Lots of comments though, thank you so much :D

I've been a little - okay, a lot! - busy with Pikaland's Making Your Mark e-course. It's a course that promises to help you find or investigate your personal style in various ways, and so far that's true. There is a new assignment every week, and there is plenty of room to stretch yourself, if you choose to. It's interesting! Last week I had to create an image from a combination of one item on a list of things I KNOW and one item off a list of things I LOVE, and then recreate that image in both pen & ink and collage! It was a total challenge, especially to get it all finished within a week ;) But I did, and I love the way it coaxed me out of my comfort zone - especially the black and white image that was supposed to include tones and values. Man, tones and values are hard! I knew that, I've only just begun trying to add more light and shadows to my watercolour pieces, but then to decide whether red is lighter than blue, and how to represent that in ink lines? Hard!

Here is what I did in my 'medium of choice'. My 'items' were "I LOVE going outside with my kid on his balance bike - he's given me new eyes and a new lease on wonder", and "I KNOW my kid is half South-African". The elephant was annoying - I miscoloured it, then re-coloured it, which didn't work as well as I'd hoped, and then I tried to rescue the whole blessed overworked thing with coloured pencils. Let's just say he's got a skin condition and be done with it ;) And let's say I'm able to draw an elephant that looks like an elephant, because in the end, that impressed me most :D As well as how I drew my kid :D Sure, there is something not quite right with his hairline, but hey - we all need areas of practise, right?! ;)

This week's assignment will be fun too, I think and hope! We were meant to go to a museum or art gallery, and revisit an existing work of art. And while that sounds like fun (can't remember the last time I went to a museum - shame on me!), I don't really see when I could be doing that and finish some art work before Monday. And then I remembered (funny how these things work, really!) that there is a whole ado around here about a couple of months that Claude Monet spent in Zaandam back in 1871! I investigated and found out there is a little book about it, so I went out and got that - and there are quite a couple of surprises there :D But I won't spoil the fun just yet - I'll post about that when I'm able to illustrate my findings ;)

Yes, I'm enjoying MYM, for sure! I love a good challenge! I am a little disappointed in the lacking sense of community there though. After both assignments, I've been going out of my way to find something constructive to say about each and every piece of art work posted - because I feel that's part of the deal, and because I enjoy seeing what others come up with, for inspiration and at times awe, but hardly anyone bothers to come back and do the same. Apart from Koosje & Jodi - much appreciated :) Of course that is what it is, but in the end, I feel I've paid a lot of money for just a challenge and some feedback from the course's creators - who don't come back for a bit of dialogue either. But it is what it is. All that said and paid for, I will enjoy the challenge, and see what I can get out of Monet in Zaandam. Because honestly? I probably never would have investigated what the ado was about if it wasn't for MYM :)

Are you straying outside your comfort zone in any way? I'd love to hear and see!!

conceptual

Playing, this morning :) Honestly, I was just playing! My pepper & salt shakers on top of an empty tub of body cream, because it was there, as a still life 'scene' :)

Now that it's finished, I see my current recurring 'concept' in it, again. About friendships, expectations, listening and being heard, pedestals and crap. Yup, even when I'm letting go, my conceptual brain subconsciously kicks in. It's a curse, LOL :)

I'm trying to learn to play more - let go. Not because it's infinitely important to play, or to let go, when it comes to what I make. But when I don't - when I hang on to my apparent need to draw and illustrate concepts - more often than not, I don't draw at all. Because I can't find the words for the concept, or I can't decide on the illustration to go along with it. Or because I start and my inner critic gets floor space before he should. That happens less and less, but it still does, occasionally. Especially when I'm digging deep, trying to excavate soul - like when I'm doing a course ;)

But if you didn't know all that, you'd just see salt & pepper shakers on top of an empty tub of body cream. Right?! ;)

space

Yes to space to be yourself. Yes!
And what is weird and alien, really? At the bottom of things? Where it matters, I mean?
I think it's all about - how much space you let yourself take up. I know I could take up more space. Should, even, in some situations. Stand up. Be counted.

How about you? Are you filling all the space you really need, to be you?

beautiful

tribute

I have joined beautiful Shannon to retake her amazing e-course Inside Out. I know that's a Big Word, but it's the truth. This course changed my life in 2010.

I wasn't really anywhere, back then. I always knew I 'liked to draw', but I never did. Because I was up to my neck in muck, crap and other self-imposed restricions keeping me from living - as opposed to existing. Really. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true. Taking this course opened me up. It was a starting point for everything I've become and accomplished since then. Which is a lot. Still sounding dramatic, I'm well aware. But it's still true.

We've just finished the first week, and I'm... speechless! I always said I wanted to take this course again, and the fact that I'm doing it, now, is synchronicity. I have three words for 2012, and the most important one is FEEL. I want to feel what I do, and what I don't. Where I'm beautiful, and where I'm really not, so much. It's a challenge. I have never really felt my way through anything. I've tried and come close, but it's alien to me, still. This is all - hard to word, and probably worth a blog post all its own if I ever get to it ;) But what's important, what I'm trying to say is...

I thought I was going to do this course to see where I'm going. To find goals, something to dream about, and then make plans. All noble causes in themselves, and who knows, I might even get to that ;) But why I'm really here, now, is to FEEL! I have kept my Art Journal from back then, of course. And I can re-read and re-visit everything I struggled with then. Where I was, what I feared, what I thought my accomplishments and strengths were - and there weren't a lot. It's heartbreaking to read! I feel the desperation that was in almost everything I wrote, apart from being a mamma, pretty much.

And what I'm left with, here and now, is gratitude. Deeply felt. Into my toes and back up again. I have done all that! I'm feeling it! Really deeply realising that - I did all that, I came all this way to be here, where I am. Realising that this is a beautiful place, no matter what's itching at any given time.

Life of course didn't necessarily get easier, but I did. I know, these days, that I'm stronger than I think. That I can find courage to take things on, even when they're scary as hell. And that's a beautiful thing to know. It's a beautiful thing to reconnect with. And an amazing thing to feel!

I can't wait to see what else surfaces. And what I'll draw about it ;) There is always that, since 2010, too ;)

Day 9

Yesterday, we went on a little Road Trip by Bike! Inspired by Stephanie Levy & her awesome Creative Courage e-course. Taking a detour to go shopping, looking at things we would normally just pass, stopping where we wouldn't on a run-of-the-mill Wednesday :) We had a lovely time, me & Squirt, and when it was time for bed, he asked me if we could do another day like this tomorrow :) That was probably partly inspired by the fact that we had poffertjes (sort of small puffy pancakes served with melting butter and powdered sugar) for lunch, but still! We had fun together!

Gratitude for today? Definitely, for taking the time to slow down. There is a drawing in this, but it's in the Work in Progress-stages still. I'll share it when it's done!

resting

vulnerable

This page is... so many things into one! A pretty cool doodle turned... interesting when I started applying watercolours to it...

First of all, I don't know where my mind was when I chose the colours, but it wasn't on pleasing, that's for sure! What happens when you're just doing while listening elsewhere, I guess :)
And secondly, perfect proof of the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing with those watercolours, quite yet! I was fine on run-of-the-mill (80 gsm) paper! I mean, it didn't work properly, of course, but I could just blame it on the paper! Now that I'm using the real stuff, paperwise, it's me. I don't know how to stop the stuff from staining, striping, cauliflowering & whatever else you want to call what can go wrong with this paint ;)

It's a learning curve, on many counts. I need to keep at it and practise on filling large spaces with a consistent wash. I need to re-learn the lesson that it's okay if not everything turns out the way I plan it, even when I set out to create something that's supposed to rock. Meaning I need to regain controll of my inner mean dude. Shut him up. Whatever he says, it's hardly ever appropriate!

I'm doing a course. Creative Courage, with Stephanie Levy. It's beautiful, she knows so much and she's sharing freely and thoughtfully. But it's also... quite daunting, to me. I am surrounded by so many incredibly talented artists who are already selling their products, and I feel... out of place. Not good enough. A beginner - and not in the Buddhist sense where it can be so beneficial ;)

I'm comparing while knowing I shouldn't, I keep measuring myself and coming up short. Who am I kidding?! It's one thing to overcome your inner critic when you're putting your own thoughts into your own images, essentially for yourself; it's quite another when you're contemplating - merely imagining! - that some day, someone might want to pay for something you make!

I'm stuck, at the moment. Stuck in can't, shouldn't, must!, who am I kidding?!, not nearly good enough!; inner mean dude ramblings. I know the only answer is pushing through. Perseverance. Daring to wish for myself. Soul searching, bridge-building, handstands and chocolate. Especially chocolate...

This painting is a metaphor. Of how colourblind I can get. How stuck. And how I keep at it, nonetheless. I think it deserves to be framed and hung, just for that!

What do you do to overcome yourself & shut up that inner critic?

p.s. If anyone has tips on washing a great white space around complex structures (haha), I'll be so grateful, I might not send you a print of this... beauty :)

wishpuddle

It was beautiful, it had a tail & all! I don't think I've ever seen a shooting star with a tail before!

So I started wishing for more creative courage, more creative juice, renewed belief in my own unique style, and ended up monologuing in my head. Whether I'd be jinxing my family's health and financial well-being by asking for something so... selfish! A luxury, really. I went back and forth with myself for a while, and just like that, the moment was gone.

I have no idea what the Universe in Its endless wisdom does with multifaceted... wishpuddles. But I'm sure it will be good! I believe that, you know?

Do you think it's selfish to use such a special wishing moment on yourself? It's hours later by now, and I'm still befuddled!

Update:
I just sat, gut-wrenched, through an emergency doctor's visit. Squirt fell down the stairs? off a stair? just slipped? really hard, hitting his head on the marble floor tiles in the hallway - I didn't see it! What sort of a mother am I?! He was all pale and groggy and half out of it... But he seems fine now. Thank the stars - kids get over these things SO much quicker than their mothers!
So of course, here I am, wondering whether he fell because of the above, or whether he's fine, because of the above ;) At times, it's EXHAUSTING, having an active, imaginative mind ;)

nurture

Who knew nurture was such a fertile word? :)

go

Go, as in; letting go & just do it :)
More Silly stuff!
Poor Buddha. Hope he's smiling upon my efforts :)

haiku, again*

Carla had us write a Humpday Haiku about our 'backyard'. And it was the inverted commas that sent my thoughts flying:

my 'backyard'?! huh?! uhm...
my bum isn't overgrown:
doesn't qualify!

Illustrated:
* my Silly haiku disappeared in Blogger's maintenance f#$*-up!

unicycle