And now, all of a sudden, walking in high-heeled shoes just doesn't work anymore. I put them on, I lean in, but it doesn't make me smile. The awesome is gone. I put them on to practise, and frankly because I want to hang on to amazing, but it doesn't work like that. That much is clear. I'm trying! In fact, I'm wearing them right now! But Fabulous has left. Leaving me trying to grab, hold on - knowing I can't win. Not like that, anyway.
This is tentative, at best, but I'm thinking it's all inside the difference between feeling it and trying to ride the wave. Living it, as opposed to trying to grab the story line, holding on to it for dear life. Going about your life with feeling, and letting Fabulous find you as you are. Warts & all, of course.
Somewhere along the line, by the wayside of talking about Fabulous, I forgot to feel her where she lives. I'm not all that familiar with Fabulous quite yet, but here's what I'm finding out; she needs to be felt. She doesn't like to be cemented. She doesn't want to be caught or captured, she likes to be free. She'll stay as long as you feed her, but you can't talk her back on the couch with you.
And that, quite honestly, sucks! Because I talk! I've spent my life trying to capture and catch, trying to hold on and keep! My relationship with flexibility is new, and anything but flexible quite yet! I've always lassoed words around everything, knitted stories around what's up. Never mind that it didn't really work in any long run, ever - the point is, I'm slap-bang in the middle of the pradigm shift of a lifetime, and right now, I really feel the depth of neither here, nor there, quite yet!
Some stuff happened. That means, in this instance, that a can of worms was re-opened and I've been thinking about my womb again. I wish I could just say don't DO that, then!, but that would be too easy (because I can see a future road of Regret stretch out before me - mirage-style - if I let this whole thing lie where it's sleeping). So it's a good thing, I think. There are things you can't put off for too long. You can't leave them lounging in the back of your fridge, because no matter what their shelf-life is, at some point they will grow fuzz and legs and jump you. When it's least convenient. Yup.
But I was doing so well! I was hanging out with Fabulous, and we liked each other! And the crap thing about cans of worms? You can never just grab one worm and eat it with ketchup. When you start pulling, there's always a tangle of them, and they're never quiet and thoughtful and patient. They don't listen to reason. They mess up the kitchen you just cleaned in your awesome red boots and what you want to do is - you want to scream and send them packing. Stuff them back. Anything to keep Fabulous around! Anything not to have to go anywhere with the worms!
But what you need to do is - sit down in a puddle of sauce, right then and there, worms everywhere, and resign. Give up fighting to keep Fabulous where she feels she isn't wooed, and regroup.
It's really hard for me to hold on to what's going well, what's feeling good and wholesome and right when there are worms screaming at me from the opened fridge, but that's something I do need to learn. I need to listen to the worms and hang out with Fabulous. Maybe not quite at the same time, but I need to learn to be bendy around both.
It's hard not to drown in never quite good enough - again. It's hard not to tell myself see, you tried, but it didn't last - we always knew you'd fall of your perch, didn't we?
But in the end, the only person deciding whether I'm good enough to run with my warts, in heels, juggling worms, pencils, my kid, my reproductive organs, my online presence and my social life - is me. Inside my life - though other people might have opinions - I'm the only one who can say I am enough and run with that, see where it takes me.
So I'm here, gathering courage again. The courage to sit down. To resign and to let the worms do their dance. To bravely show life my open palm; come sit with me. We might not always be best friends, but we can have coffee, right? I'm enough, warts & all, and I'll have you sit with me just the way you are today, too; let's just see what happens when we don't fight or try so hard to sort it all out, between us!
It's a lot like my yoga practise these days. I often find myself thinking that this isn't comfortable, I don't like this! But then I tell myself - it isn't about being all cool with the stretch, it's about the stretch. It's about being there, even when it's uncomfortable, and hanging out with that.
Yes. Like I said, I talk well. So I'm off to lean in now. And while that might prove a whole lot harder than writing about it, I'm doing it, anyway.
See ya, Fabulous! I know you'll be back, and I'll be here. Sauce on my chin, worms in my hair, but I'll be here. Wearing my stupid heels!
** those hands were drawn for Koosje's course, and I LOVED doing them! After a whole lot of procrastinating and I can't do this! I don't DO people, I don't DO body parts! ;)
Koosje is a super teacher, her course is still working magic, even if the heels and Fabulous don't! It seems like resigning was the message all along, this week. And if I can draw hands like this, dealing with worms should be a piece of cake, right?! Hahaha ;)