proof

Last week, with Squirt at my parents' for four days, I spent a lot of time online. I was hanging out on FaceBook, posting and commenting away, and I had some nice - almost conversations there - from inside my own space, my own life. And instead of being uncomfortable, or even angry - for wasting time when I could have [...], I took a long hard look at what I'd been sharing, and found myself happy! I've been on the other end of the spectrum more often, and for longer than I care to ponder right now, so there was a sense of wonder at finding myself... okay!

Of course, spending time online means you're not consciously breathing, feeling your feet, being present in your life, exactly. I know that. It's all by comparison, even if you're not actively comparing yourself. I was looking at my life in a mirror, and it reflected back to me how I was sharing my life, what I was sharing, perhaps even how I was selling myself. But I wasn't. I was actually sticking with me. I was posting about what made me happy, what made sense, what was good inside my day. Maybe I wasn't inside my life down to my toes, digging in, growing roots; but I was standing tall with my life.

I think I've quietly stumbled upon the why of my need to document Summer! It's a way of being aware. Maybe not always exactly in the moment, but it's a good start. Being aware of the fact that there is joy, and happy, and beauty - finding out where I see it, what catches my eye - what do I draw, what do I photograph? - the journey through my days...

I love and appreciate and see the need to feel my feet, to breathe slowly in & out, to be where I am, but it's not enough. That - doing that - being present? It helps to combat the fear of being present, and I need that, solidly! But I'm also on a journey to find treasure in my life - to document and take it out of the moment, to fill my travel pack, my water bottle.

And it's not to hold on to moments - although I don't think there is necessarily something wrong with holding on to memories, as long as life doesn't become all about yesterday - it's about documenting, or maybe even more accurately, about mining my life. To find soul where I travelled. To learn about where it hides, on a deeply personal level, inside my life!

Because - and I deeply appreciate how this falls into place and guidance emerges - what I've written and cried about so many times is - I've never known where to look, where to find something, anything to help me claw out of that dank pit I fall into when I do (it's quite too early to say 'used to', but here's to hope, nonetheless!). I don't know where my happy really lives, and that's the sad truth.

And I'm not there yet, I haven't found the well - but that's okay, because this is fun :) I'm catching glimpses by looking at what I've gathered in my Summer 2013 file, so far! Glimpses, not storylines - nothing set in stone, trapped by cement, unmovable, fixed. Because it's impossible to recreate a happy moment, trying only dispells the magic and adds frustration and sadness to the mix. But I can find a similar colour, hear a sound, catch the light, indulge in sweet, salty, sour tastes, reflect in droplets, kiss a flower, or find that coffee at the exact right time!

I'm going from moment to moment right now, and it's... pretty :) I relish, revel, remember and rock - but I'm also collecting treasures & imagining a map. I'm looking for what makes me curious, for what makes me smile - I'm looking for what I'll know when I feel where it is :) That's what I'm after - but quietly, furtively almost, because these are secrets and surprises. Here is no place for brute force or overthinking. These things will reveal themselves to me, over patience and time. I won't have to wait for them - I can draw and photograph and capture beyond words. It will further unfold with life and time. It's elegant in its simplicity and imperfection - who knew? - and it's all as much here as ahead!

I realise this means that - apparently - I need proof. Proof of being well, being okay, being enough. But being who I am, knowing where I was, it's exactly right, like that. There is victory in the realisation that there is much to document as proof of being well :) I've conquered ground, I've kicked and left behind hurdles I never even knew were in my way - and I'm... taller for it all. & if I need proof for a while, before knowing, finding, seeing becomes second nature? If I need any permission, for any of this? Here it is:

You GO, sweet pea! To your heart's content! Gather clues and document! Find out what makes your mouth water and give IN! Find out what makes you smile and get some MORE! Be wild, mudane, Fabulous and boring! Find yourself there - exactly where you are & draw it - take a photo, sing a song - do whatever it takes to find it and bring it home!

This is for you, too. Permission! To do what needs doing & document. Or not! Whatever you need to kick a home-made rule or two to the curb & hang out with what makes you tick! Go! Go tick! I'll be here, waiting to hear where you took yourself today :)