Saturday, July 27, 2013


Last week, with Squirt at my parents' for four days, I spent a lot of time online. I was hanging out on FaceBook, posting and commenting away, and I had some nice - almost conversations there - from inside my own space, my own life. And instead of being uncomfortable, or even angry - for wasting time when I could have [...], I took a long hard look at what I'd been sharing, and found myself happy! I've been on the other end of the spectrum more often, and for longer than I care to ponder right now, so there was a sense of wonder at finding myself... okay!

Of course, spending time online means you're not consciously breathing, feeling your feet, being present in your life, exactly. I know that. It's all by comparison, even if you're not actively comparing yourself. I was looking at my life in a mirror, and it reflected back to me how I was sharing my life, what I was sharing, perhaps even how I was selling myself. But I wasn't. I was actually sticking with me. I was posting about what made me happy, what made sense, what was good inside my day. Maybe I wasn't inside my life down to my toes, digging in, growing roots; but I was standing tall with my life.

I think I've quietly stumbled upon the why of my need to document Summer! It's a way of being aware. Maybe not always exactly in the moment, but it's a good start. Being aware of the fact that there is joy, and happy, and beauty - finding out where I see it, what catches my eye - what do I draw, what do I photograph? - the journey through my days...

I love and appreciate and see the need to feel my feet, to breathe slowly in & out, to be where I am, but it's not enough. That - doing that - being present? It helps to combat the fear of being present, and I need that, solidly! But I'm also on a journey to find treasure in my life - to document and take it out of the moment, to fill my travel pack, my water bottle.

And it's not to hold on to moments - although I don't think there is necessarily something wrong with holding on to memories, as long as life doesn't become all about yesterday - it's about documenting, or maybe even more accurately, about mining my life. To find soul where I travelled. To learn about where it hides, on a deeply personal level, inside my life!

Because - and I deeply appreciate how this falls into place and guidance emerges - what I've written and cried about so many times is - I've never known where to look, where to find something, anything to help me claw out of that dank pit I fall into when I do (it's quite too early to say 'used to', but here's to hope, nonetheless!). I don't know where my happy really lives, and that's the sad truth.

And I'm not there yet, I haven't found the well - but that's okay, because this is fun :) I'm catching glimpses by looking at what I've gathered in my Summer 2013 file, so far! Glimpses, not storylines - nothing set in stone, trapped by cement, unmovable, fixed. Because it's impossible to recreate a happy moment, trying only dispells the magic and adds frustration and sadness to the mix. But I can find a similar colour, hear a sound, catch the light, indulge in sweet, salty, sour tastes, reflect in droplets, kiss a flower, or find that coffee at the exact right time!

I'm going from moment to moment right now, and it's... pretty :) I relish, revel, remember and rock - but I'm also collecting treasures & imagining a map. I'm looking for what makes me curious, for what makes me smile - I'm looking for what I'll know when I feel where it is :) That's what I'm after - but quietly, furtively almost, because these are secrets and surprises. Here is no place for brute force or overthinking. These things will reveal themselves to me, over patience and time. I won't have to wait for them - I can draw and photograph and capture beyond words. It will further unfold with life and time. It's elegant in its simplicity and imperfection - who knew? - and it's all as much here as ahead!

I realise this means that - apparently - I need proof. Proof of being well, being okay, being enough. But being who I am, knowing where I was, it's exactly right, like that. There is victory in the realisation that there is much to document as proof of being well :) I've conquered ground, I've kicked and left behind hurdles I never even knew were in my way - and I'm... taller for it all. & if I need proof for a while, before knowing, finding, seeing becomes second nature? If I need any permission, for any of this? Here it is:

You GO, sweet pea! To your heart's content! Gather clues and document! Find out what makes your mouth water and give IN! Find out what makes you smile and get some MORE! Be wild, mudane, Fabulous and boring! Find yourself there - exactly where you are & draw it - take a photo, sing a song - do whatever it takes to find it and bring it home!

This is for you, too. Permission! To do what needs doing & document. Or not! Whatever you need to kick a home-made rule or two to the curb & hang out with what makes you tick! Go! Go tick! I'll be here, waiting to hear where you took yourself today :)


  1. What a wonderful, fresh, lively, zesty, summery uplifting post. I do love the mirror drawing, seeing what you see in the mirror is what counts! Love that you are simply capturing fragments, snippets and sounds, that's all we need to transport us back when the sun turns. I love that you are happy just being in it, not trying to capture it, document or define it, just being part of it, enjoying it. Wonderfully inspiring. :)

  2. The way you write always moves me Yvonne. Beautiful way of expressing with words. This post feels like you're getting okee with where and how you are in your life right now. Enjoying the snippets like Suzi said. :-)

  3. Oh, yes! Absolutely! Documenting is definitely a way to be in the moment. Rather than taking you out of the moment (which sometimes it appears to do), I find it actually brings you closer to a state of awareness and being and therefore appreciation and gratitude. And this: "These things will reveal themselves to me, over patience and time..." I think that documenting a summer, a life, a whatever, is the act of noticing the small things (and possibly big things) as they occur, and the sheer act of recording them, creates a narrative you can only see with the perspective of time. That's one of the reasons I keep a sketchbook journal: I'm writing my own book, telling my own story, without actually knowing the meaning or the plotline. Beautiful post and wonderful revelations. Glad I didn't have to wait that long for it ;)

  4. Super bliss! What a wonderful post. I love those cucumbers, and the flower YOU. (Or maybe I should say the flourishing you) in the mirror. Enjoy and live the moment!

  5. Love the mirror drawing :) I have found recently that I am in the period of exploring and documenting my life too. It's strange even with all the things I am participating--classes, art swap, getting to know more people and my attempt to get to my goal. The more 'out' I am, I feel more 'in'. Not sure if Im making sense here...

    Maybe because all that I'm doing right now are all for 'myself', my inner growth. I used to be frustrated working freelance job thinking it would be much more fun to work on my MerryDay. Then I got even more frustrated with myself when I did have time for MerryDay but didn't do good enough. I found that that's because I kept comparing with others. Now that I can let it go, I feel more focused and happy and feel that 'yeah! this is my life. I'm going to compete with myself not others. It's the time for learning and documenting my life as I'm growing'

    Thanks for your beautiful post that makes me realize this. The idea of documenting our lives is really inspiring and exciting. I may look at my daily life differently from now on :D

  6. Great post! Enjoy enjoying the moment! ♥♥♥

  7. Beautiful, hope whatever you're doing right now, you're enjoying it and BLOOMING. I adore how you use washi well as your drawings of course! <3


Thanks for letting me in on your thoughts!