vulnerable

This page is... so many things into one! A pretty cool doodle turned... interesting when I started applying watercolours to it...

First of all, I don't know where my mind was when I chose the colours, but it wasn't on pleasing, that's for sure! What happens when you're just doing while listening elsewhere, I guess :)
And secondly, perfect proof of the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing with those watercolours, quite yet! I was fine on run-of-the-mill (80 gsm) paper! I mean, it didn't work properly, of course, but I could just blame it on the paper! Now that I'm using the real stuff, paperwise, it's me. I don't know how to stop the stuff from staining, striping, cauliflowering & whatever else you want to call what can go wrong with this paint ;)

It's a learning curve, on many counts. I need to keep at it and practise on filling large spaces with a consistent wash. I need to re-learn the lesson that it's okay if not everything turns out the way I plan it, even when I set out to create something that's supposed to rock. Meaning I need to regain controll of my inner mean dude. Shut him up. Whatever he says, it's hardly ever appropriate!

I'm doing a course. Creative Courage, with Stephanie Levy. It's beautiful, she knows so much and she's sharing freely and thoughtfully. But it's also... quite daunting, to me. I am surrounded by so many incredibly talented artists who are already selling their products, and I feel... out of place. Not good enough. A beginner - and not in the Buddhist sense where it can be so beneficial ;)

I'm comparing while knowing I shouldn't, I keep measuring myself and coming up short. Who am I kidding?! It's one thing to overcome your inner critic when you're putting your own thoughts into your own images, essentially for yourself; it's quite another when you're contemplating - merely imagining! - that some day, someone might want to pay for something you make!

I'm stuck, at the moment. Stuck in can't, shouldn't, must!, who am I kidding?!, not nearly good enough!; inner mean dude ramblings. I know the only answer is pushing through. Perseverance. Daring to wish for myself. Soul searching, bridge-building, handstands and chocolate. Especially chocolate...

This painting is a metaphor. Of how colourblind I can get. How stuck. And how I keep at it, nonetheless. I think it deserves to be framed and hung, just for that!

What do you do to overcome yourself & shut up that inner critic?

p.s. If anyone has tips on washing a great white space around complex structures (haha), I'll be so grateful, I might not send you a print of this... beauty :)