Wednesday, January 9, 2013


I have made so many conscious attempts to be here more that I've lost count... And I have finally made a dent in - figuring out why it hasn't been happening. It's about fear. The fear of showing myself out loud and finding no one who cares. To meet shrugs. That's what's stopping me. This old, well-worn idea that being me and everything I bring is nothing to write home about. It's subconsious, and it's been sneaking up on me, but there it is...

Over the months, it's been harder to get here. I've been up to - much, in my head. I've been growing, soul-searching, drawing, changing some patterns, and thinking about all the above. I've been doing a whole lot of grieving, too. The hard stuff I wrote the monster post about; the way my life changed - as lives do - and the need to grab a hold of the stuff I say matters. Figure out what really does matter, and how I want to live it! What I want to show of it, what I want to be honest about, and when to basically stop babbling. And what to do when I do shut up! I've been everywhere, travelling long roads inwards - but I haven't been out, much.

I miss it. Being out. Meeting up with friends to talk and draw, to walk and talk, to hang out in coffee shops... Meeting friends online, reading blogs, hanging out in that virtual coffee shop, too. I feel like I've lost my voice, a little. Because I've been afraid to talk out loud. I've been hanging around with the wrong crowd and my inner critic a little too much for the past half year. I won't say that some things haven't changed for the better, I've had a couple of meaningful heart-to-hearts - but mainly with myself - inner dialogues & long monologues where the other side of me merely nodded and grunted in all the right places. I've spent some time slaying dragons, and trying to put my mother-issues to bed. I've dusted some shelves and figurines - broke a few, too. Shelves and figurines. But at some stage, enough really is enough, and you need to get out. Get it out & all. Get your courage on and be. Out loud, that is!

I've spent a lot of time thinking about blogging more. Thinking about re-invention and direction and change. But my blog is called Muddle On Through for a reason. That's me, that's who I am, that's what I do. I could pretend otherwise, but only for a while, and it would feel like a lie. I would love to be known for my wisdom - for how I grab life and don't let go, but if that's what you're looking for here, you have to read between the lines at times; find the truth where it resides for you. I suppose it's more likely that I'll be known as honest and human. Warts and a tendency to over-think. Shrugged about, perhaps, but the question is whether that matters, deeply. Whether it changes who I am. Because that old shoe fits, and I'm learning to be okay, to bend with the truths of me. I'm not as flexible as I'd like to be, that's a truth, too. But I'm working hard on not breaking quite as much anymore. And you'll find my purr-mode in working order when you least expect it!

I'm not challenging anyone but myself to stick around, of course. My blog was always going to be about who I am and what I make - whether that's sense, a mess, or art - so I'm pushing through this idea that I need to change course in order to blog. I'll stick with what I know & who I am. No more imagined apologies for posts never written because I'm worrying who will care.

I'm renewing my vows to document what makes me tick. To be like that if that's the mood that shows. Whatever the mood that shows. To show my warts, my art and my je ne sais quois. This is where I learn to bend, and where I'm breakable. This is where I take up all the space I need. Where I clash with the décor. Where I'll try to be all that I already am.

So I'm welcome here. That's my 2013 gift to myself :) And you are more than welcome here, too! With warts of your own - whether you're ready or willing to share or not. You're so welcome. It really is lovely to have you!

& here's a question for you:

If we all really are our own solid ground in this mayhem called life, what does yours look like? This is mine! For now ;)


  1. Three cheers for warts, art and renewing your blogging vows. I'm here, reading, and I'm coming back too. That's a threat and a promise ;) Happy new year. Email coming soon xo

  2. Yvonne I feel as if you've crawled under my skin, took a residence inside my soul and pour out my thoughts on this effortlessly. It is too close to my heart, too close that kind of makes me uncomfortable. Lately every single step you've taken seems to be very honest, daring and bold. I am sure it is liberating too. I am in awe. Cheering for you. Soul sister. xo

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Somehow Yvonne I have managed to reply as my partner Matt - must have been on his google account by accident- but really it's me here's my comment again..hopefully as me..

      Hi Yvonne, You know I love your honesty - I find it so refreshing and real.
      This seems to be a new you though- would you agree? You seem more comfortable in yourself...and why shouldn't you be!?:) Do you know, I like your blog because I can connect with it - soul searching yes I am with you there. You have had a tough year, but I see you shining through and living for the now...warts and all is how people should be and we all like you just the way you are.:)

  4. Out loud, yes! You DO have a lot ofwisdom, and you're showing it here too. Just by being true to yourself. Congratulations on the renewal of your vows! Your solid ground boat is beautiful! It looks comfortable, safe and colourful, and we'll just see whereit's heading, right? Great question, I need tothink about what my own solid ground would look like... Very symbolic!

  5. Oh and one more thing: you write SO well!! Beautiful.

  6. awww I left you a comment here at 4 a.m. (my time) and I do not see it...hmmm pesky ipad...Well, really all it said is that I think you are really talented and smart and funny. it really comes through in both your writing and your art. So whatever you do just keep it up whether on solid ground or going through rough waters....your sense of humor and use of your gifts are key.
    With so much love and waving of the proverbial cheering section flag...xokp

  7. I'm out here with my cheering pom-poms, can you see me?? You're making a turn in your run, and you're going the right way. We're all here cheering for you, just as you have been there cheering for us. And as smart folks have told me, it's a marathon, not a race. We all get slowed down and caught up at different places, but it's the idea that we keep going that's the important one. Thank you, thank you for sharing all you do. It gives me heart to see your struggle, because I am often not brave enough to share mine. Sending you big hugs. xoR


Thanks for letting me in on your thoughts!