bone

I'm not throwing you a bone - I would never throw you a bone... If you're here and you're reading this - I appreciate you way more than you'll ever know! This is a bone for me... To remind myself that this is a place I like to hang out. To show some movement, even if it's corner-of-the-eye stuff. Because I want to be here more than I am, and I promised myself to keep a candle burning. Seeing that I'm still unable - but trying! - to make it a blazing home fire... ;)

After all that hard stuff, I'm not home quite yet - never mind the blazing fire! I'm not everywhere I want to be. I'm still figuring stuff out. Finding out about what's important to me, and how to make it all fit into my life is hard, hard work. And it takes a strong stomach. I feel queasy, some days, but I'm working on it ;)

And I've been busy. That, too. I've been designing Christmas cards to sell - printed them, dropped them off, to see a few actually sell! - and I drew and painted the above, sort of commissioned! I came up with an idea, showed the initial sketch to my lovely neighbours - who wanted to buy some of my Christmas cards to send to their business clients! - and they paid me to finish it :D

I've got so much to say about - making art to sell. Much of it is philosophical, some of it is about the hard work involved, and most of it is - about me, I guess. Whether I'm ready, to go there and put myself into it and behind it all. Whether it's worth the effort. Whether I actually love it enough. If I'll ever be able to really feel proud - from my toes. But that's another blog post. If I ever find the time ;)

It's interesting to find myself here - with these questions - after promising myself my art is for exploration and for soulwork. For finding the me inside this life. Until it's for something else. I had no idea something else was around the corner when I promised myself to be mindful about it all. But then again - these Christmas cards, this commissioned piece - maybe that's it, maybe that's all. & maybe - perfectly maybe - it's all okay, whatever is next. But I need to get my head to rest around that. And that's the hard part, right now.

So here, in this moment, this is it. Corner-of-the-eye movement, like I promised myself. Just to prove I'm still around. I was here, this morning. Not for long, admittedly, but I did show up!

energy

I got commissioned by my lovely & amazing acupuncturist (if you're local and tempted, contact me for her phone number :D) to design a card she could send as a birthday card to everyone on her client list this year! She left me - beyond - free, all she could give me to go with is 'yin yang' and her favourite colours, black and white :) 

This is the design she chose, and it was incidentally the one that came most from my heart. Tulips are her favourite flowers, and I didn't actually know that :) Payment? The rest of the year treatment for free!! That's a lot of money, but it feels like much more than that - the flow of energy in giving what you love to do in exchange for what you love to get :) An amazing experience!!

three

This is a birthday card I got commissioned to make for a friend! Commissioned, yes :) Which is awesome :) I'm actually selling my art!

It's the second card I made for her. And it's hard! Not the actual work; I love coming up with an idea, based on what she says - that's the part that energises me to bits! There is something about making someone else's idea come to life in your own style :) And at times, it's good, not to have to come up with - something meaningful from the heart ;) To just draw and paint for the sake of practising & doing.

But then comes the moment it's finished and you have to show your work to a critical eye... This friend, she doesn't hold back. I don't mean she's unkind about it, but she has an opinion, and she's not afraid to share it. She liked the first card I made better, and she thinks the 3 is too big. Ouch. That hurts. It's definitely the reason why I'm so scared to really take my work 'out there', you know? Of course she's entitled to her opinion; she has to send the card, so she has to be happy with the design. That's how it works. But it's still hard to take criticism - of any kind... I made a print version in which I stretched the design up & down a little, and she could live with that. She'll buy and send my card.

I have a little boy who'll be three in a week's time. I'll frame the original for him :) I made the 3 that big because I know turning three is the first birthday that actually means something to him. 3 is BIG! Looking at Squirt I know that at this moment in his little life, 3 is as big as cars. That's how that card happened the way it did. But that's personal, and the card was for someone else.

There is a lesson in here. About swallowing & breathing. And about not taking it all to heart. And about taste. About stepping up and stepping down. It's big, the stuff involved here - much bigger than that little card!

What do you do when someone isn't happy with what you made for them?