whats

There were brief thoughts of blogging daily, and thoughts that lingered longer, about blogging a few times a week. All those thoughts lie abandoned, there where abandoned thoughts go when they're redundant ;) It's a solid week later, and it's okay. I'm okay; still strangely, newly okay with a lot of things these days, and I'm hanging out with it. Getting to know it where it shows up. There's a lot of acquainting myself going on here, and it's... succulent :)

Meanwhile, Summer is still hot and happening in these parts, and I've been documenting! Here are some of the highlights - the condensed version ;)

The slug, as promised - documented in paint and photographed :)

Speaking of wildlife, at 6.15 am last Friday morning, I heard someone's kid screaming. And shout again. And again. Wondering vaguely - while sipping coffee - what parent wouldn't do something about it. Till I realised it was my kid, and that parent doing nothing was me ;) Big drama - a mosquito - "no, there's TWO I think!"... Slapped some stuff on him, hung his mosquito net & left him happy in his tent. He slept until 9.30 am, when I had to actually wake him up! I'm thinking he was awake a while before he shouted for me - pangs of mamma-guilt...

On Saturday, because of snot, I missed the Sketchcrawl Koosje organised in Amsterdam (her blogpost of what I missed is here...). I spent that day getting flowers while reading and watching Squirt and the kid from next door have fun in our blow-up swimming pool - which wasn't necessarily punishment, but I would have preferred to be out sketching! So, I bought myself some new - extremely cheap - cups & drew them to cheer me up.

On Sunday, we went to Leiden, to visit a (boring!) museum, and while I still wasn't feeling entirely wholesome, I sat and drew anyway - because I could :)

The kid is with his grandparents at the moment. He was packed and picked up on Monday, and since he asked for an additional night, I'm not expecting him home until tonight... Luckily I've got this to remember him by ;)

So on Monday, I had time for chores and a drawing ;)

I finalised my attic studio space, too, and found out I didn't need it, per se ;) I've ended up drawing at the coffee table quite a few times, lately, and it's - good. Because drawing is good. And having choice as to where to do it? Is just that, really; choice!

There were two more projects that didn't involve pencils, pens or paint directly:

Squirt's new knotted bracelet that replaced the old one he wore for 18 months (!), and my Inspiration Jar :) If we're friends on FaceBook, you might have added to it already, and I thank you! I intend to continue to draw daily, and there are days when I can't seem to think of anything to draw. Eventhough life is present in abundance, yes. It happens... So this jar will be filled with little slips of paper with words and ideas, along with the name of the person who contributed - and the idea is, I will let you know when I draw one of yours, and let you know where to see it. Because that's the only thing I haven't figured out quite yet ;) There might even be a personal postcard in it for you - so if you want to add your magic to the mix, please do so in the comments section of this post :D And if you're in dire need of ideas to draw? I've got the list on file, and I'm willing to share - in exchange for some extra themes ;)

Nope. This isn't everything. But I'm rethinking the idea of dumping it all in one monster post. I'm going to schedule another one. 

While in quiet mode, this morning, I slowly saw something emerge. About the why of documenting my Summer, or my life, for that matter. And it was eye-opening. And I want to share it. But it warrants its own space, I think. So I'm going to leave it at that, here, for now. You're all updated on the whats of my Summer so far - and I'd love to hear about yours! There's plenty of time for the whys, right?!

Stay cool! Or warm - depending on where you are & your taste in temps ;) Thanks for sharing my Summer with me :)

summer

I've been getting messy with ideas, thoughts and concepts in my head - struggling with the whats and how tos - because I would love to document this Summer... It's been, and still is, interesting ;) I'm running into a lot of things I sort of knew about myself - stuff involving rules and guidelines. Being good enough, and allowing myself. Full stop. Allowing myself is very inclusive, and even if I wanted to get less vague, explain myself, I can't. Not yet, maybe never. What I'm finding out is - perhaps it doesn't matter. And that - is revolutionary. 

I don't have the peace and quiet to come out with everything in my head right now. It's Summer. We're halfway through the first week of Squirt's school holidays and life is different around here ;) It's noisy, filled with life, questions, blow-by-blow reports of how to build the perfect Lego Duplo house - and everything else ;)

"Can I ride my bike, mamma, where are we going, what's next, can I have ice cream, will you come to the playground with me, what's for dinner, why does everyone go on holidays, don't you think I could get a present because it's holidays?"

:D

It's good, and I mean that ;) But the main thing I'm confronting at the moment is - how do I document this Summer? What do I draw, what's important, where does joy live, and does that matter? Where am I, what am I looking for and what do I need to remember about being here, now, in this moment, Squirt's first Summer holiday after starting school? Yes indeed, where am I in the middle of all this? Can I let go, enjoy? Can I hold onto my newly found sanity without all this time I've learnt to spend with myself? Will I still be here, at least somewhat, when Squirt goes back to school, or will I need to reinvent the wheel all over again? 

Questions. Lots of them. But what I was thinking this morning is - if I don't start doing, documenting things - putting them somewhere, sharing it all - then there is nothing that can grow, either. As long as everything that's in my head - stays there, concept-form, nothing happens. What isn't out there can't evolve into something new, can't be tweaked. It can be thought to death of course - I'm good at that, that I know. But can I work it? Can I be there & do? Can I be here, can I - at least try - to blog about it as it happens? The blue skies, clouds, the humidity and the rain? The happy and the something - the mundane, the questions and the yays of it? 

The only thing I know now - is that if I don't try, nothing happens. So I'm confronting another little truth about myself here. The belief that without a script, nothing comes of any plan. I'm here, and I'm going in without a plan. I'm all organised around this new-found - blankness :) I'm going to photograph what strikes me when it does, and draw what bites my pencil. Daily, as much as I can. That's my plan. So here's what's happened so far:

We went to the local swimming hole ('t Twiske) on Monday, and had a lot of fun :D I'd completely resisted the idea of going there, putting on my bathing suit and being where I was - playing with my kid in my white and less-than-perfect body with all these other people there - but I went. For the first time since we moved here back in 2010, I'm one of those moms, and it felt like a weight was lifted! I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true nonetheless. I don't have to wish a cool mom onto my kid - I am one now, and not just because he had fun, either ;)

I cleaned the garden on Tuesday, and here's where we can lounge now:

Of course, that depends on the weather, too ;) It's not as hot or sunny anymore, but to be truthful, both me and the kid are better for it. And it looks cozy ;)

I cleaned out the sand pit and returned it to the neighbour we borrowed it from. Weepy moment. On the bright side, I found and photographed the biggest slug EVER underneath :D But that's a drawing still waiting to happen, so you need to hold your breath for it ;)

Yesterday was a bit of a non-event because I didn't (and still don't) feel too hot. A cold in the wings, in fact. But I did draw nonetheless:

Squirt said he thought holidays warranted a present, and I agreed. A non-pedagogical moment perhaps, but us parents are allowed some of those. Well, I am, anyway ;) Plenty of those, let's not get started ;) Besides, he only woke me twice during my sort-of-sick on-the-couch 15-minute-nap. So there ;) He chose a small Duplo Zoo set, and I drew it. Memories are where you colour them, right?! ;)

That's what Summer 2013 looks like, so far :)

& I'll be back. That's as solid a promise I can make, being here without a plan ;)

How are you?! How's Summer, or Winter, where you are?

balance

You might not think so, from reading here, but we have lovely days, too ;)

When my head is busy, I tend to use this blog to spill. I need to spill somewhere. I think, rethink and overthink, and it needs to go somewhere. To stop it from spinning & swirling, if only for a day or two. But I have a life, too. I like to think that spilling here makes me more able, elsewhere. Places where I need to be able no matter what. When it comes to my kid, I'm there. He sees me sad, he sees me kicking at life, of course - & I honestly believe that it helps somewhere, later in life, to know your mother is a human being with strengths, struggles and weaknesses, which is another discussion - but he gets my most able, too!

We walked through the woods, over the sand dunes to the beach, yesterday. We had some crisps and drinks on the sand, and while Squirt and his dad wanted to find out how cold the water really still is, me and ouma (my South-African mother-in-law is visiting for two weeks) looked for shells. Nothing like the beach to bring out the inner little girl :) 

We walked back to the car park and had a very late... dunch? linner? I don't quite know what to call food at 3.30 pm, but it was good :) 

Everyone else had pancakes, and I had tuna salad on freshly baked, crunchy-crust bread.

One quarter of a slice, immortalised! I didn't do the texture of the salad any justice, but I practised, which is awesome, right?! ;)

We walked about 7k, got sun-kissed (most of us) & sun-burnt (husband) and had a lovely day :) So this is what happens in this life of mine, too. When I'm not here chewing on something, finding feet. I do that a lot - finding feet. Thinking. Overthinking. I won't pretend I don't. But it's not all that's going on, either. We do funny, light, happy around here, too! Just thought you might like to know ;) I went and found my feet where they actually hung out!

waiting

Curves, right? I love curves! I love soft, glowing, stretching! Colourful curves! My own feminine curves - sure, why not?! & I'll take Ireland - rolling and green. But my mind is more like a Picasso at his most cubist - upside down & all. Yes, I've got a flair for the dramatic - working on it - and as far as metaphors go, this one is a stretch, even for me ;) But I travel rugged terrain at times, & I get lost.

When I wrote about waiting for the next curve, for life to veer back to me, that's true. I don't mean I stop everything, get a nanny, a cook & a cleaner and find a quiet spot to suspend - I know full well that I need to be available for the curve. Whether the curve finds me, or I find the curve, it happens inside my life; not on a mountain top or in an attic room. I have suspended myself for about 10 years, so I know this. When you hide from life, Fabulous can't find you. I'm living proof - to myself if to no one else - that you can untie yourself, finally, eventually. But it's a ridiculous effort, and it costs, and I don't want to do it again.

But I do wait. While life goes on. I don't wait for wisdom, or insight - I know by now the truest stuff clatters onto your life path when it bloody well feels like it - much like Fabulous, quite unbidden. And it falls inside your life. It doesn't come haloed, with a free retreat (yes! The rolling green hills of Ireland, please!) to practise welcoming it, unwrapping your own version of picture-perfect upon returning home. No. It comes and you leave it where it fell - almost unseen because it doesn't fit quite yet - or you pick it up, take it in and try to wrap yourself around it - all while ironing an evening meal onto the cleaned table. High heels optional.

But still, I wait. While life goes on, because I've got an awesome 4-year-old who doesn't wait, for no man, nor his mamma. And I'm so, so grateful for that kid, because I can't adjourn myself. And he makes me laugh out loud of course, and he makes me angry, and he makes me feel clueless and fun and he makes me want to throw my hands up in despair, and he makes me feel alive! I'm living lives in my days, and although this isn't about the boy, and he's got no responsibility to keep me sane, he does, inadvertently. And he rocks. Because and solidly despite.

But I'm waiting, nonetheless. While I live, care, draw, do laundry and talk to fellow moms at the school gates, about nothing in particular. I wait for zest and juicy to come back. Yes. I know. Curves. I know life isn't all awesome and Flow and Fabulous. I spent enough time observing life from a lay-by to know that the fast lane kills. But somehow, and I haven't figured out the why or the how quite yet, I never dip to cruising speed; my engine splutters and I swerve! Not quite into oncoming traffic - not much, not always, anyway - but it feels like I'm going the wrong way all of a sudden. Like nothing makes sense anymore. Like an alien inside my own skin, inside my own daily, unchanged life. Like I said, my moods, my je ne sais quoi? I curve Picasso-esque! When Fabulous leaves, comfort leaves in her wake. Is that crazy? Pathology, anyone? Wait! Don't answer that ;) This is my life, wonky as it gets at times, and the skipping little girl-part of me doesn't want to know, she just wants to learn to deal!

So I wait and wear daily routine as a life vest of sorts. Holding on to what I know matters, even if I can't feel it then and there. Going through the motions. Trying to stay afloat while mild to moderate panic and despair wash over me, and nothing feels quite good enough to keep me grounded where I know I live. I can't pinpoint where it starts, or why - eventhough I think I know at times. In the end, it feels like everything. Like I lose the healthy filters between me and my world and everything washes over me. I feel defenseless - I don't know what's important anymore, so everything becomes weighty and serious. While I still deep-down know I don't need to quit or give up on anything I'm learning to embrace as solidly me and beautiful, I can't touch that knowledge and it takes most of my energy not to let go, to wash out; change my skin and start over again, being who I'm not - apologise.

This cycle is familiar. I'm just starting to recognise it, but the truth of it feels old, well-worn. Like it's always been like this. Not Fabulous, she's still quite new - she introduced herself when I emerged from where I wasn't. But how I lose my rhythm, my song, how I disappear - even now that I'm generally - really - quite comfortable inside my skin and my life? Old, old fabric, right there... From Fabulous into hiding. Never past go to collect salary or a soft pillow to land. Straight into that austere place where I can't quite grasp where or why I matter anymore. Until it passes. Because it does. An unmarked doorway, unobtrusive - corner-of-the-eye stuff, never there when you look for it? I don't know. Hindsight, looking back, I can never see how I came to that place nor how I left there. It just - unhappens. It dissolves. So yes. I wait until it does.

So I know this, about myself. I disappear. I go where I need to go, but I can't go out of my way. I've known this for a long time, and I have a grudging understanding for it - for no other reason than the fact that it comes and it hangs out, regardless. But I'm not okay with it. I can't stand shapeless things! Of course I've always poked and prodded, tried to turn it inside-out. Because it bites me where I'm trying to be soft! It feels like everything I've learned about being me, everything I'm learning to accept, to laugh about, to respect or to cuddle, suddenly becomes moot. Ridiculous, weird in a faulty, flawed way, all over again - until it isn't anymore. Until I'm back, re-hinged, oiled & in working order. Just like that. Everything that gained weight till it mattered becomes ridiculous in turn and I'm made to look like a fool in my own eyes till I smile, grin, laugh out loud and shrug.

I'm waiting my way up and out right now, and I think I see light ahead. About time, because I've been here for weeks. I'm reporting from the inside, and it's hard. I've been writing and rewriting this for days. But it's important. It feels important. To remember this when it takes flight again  - the whole thing, as it is, not the snippets in my journal; those just reflect the quality of frustration, yellowing before the ink is dry.

This is a wart. A big one. One that's been colouring my life for as long as I can remember - now that I allow myself to really look. And I have an inkling about it. The first idea that I might not have to just accept and live with this, for ever, just the way it is. Something about the why of the whole thing. Something really changes once you start looking at yourself as essentially okay. Even when you feel like you're solidly not. Stuff that I always saw as proof for not quite, suddenly becomes the raw material of who I already am. It feels like - somehow - I just need to translate this. The little girl inside has been telling me this all along, but it's taken me long to listen: I need to find out how to DEAL. 

I need to find out how to deal, because after all this time, after everything, I refuse to accept that I'm faulty, flawed, or even weird. How's that for a salty truth?! I'll go with intense. I'll give you that. Because I don't believe it's a flaw - it's a trait, and one that I'm okay with. One that I'm starting to value even! On good days, of course ;)

I'm intense, and I'm open. And I don't know how to hit the breaks. I don't think I have to change, pull up my guards - I'm learning to like myself and my honesty - but I need to learn to break - get quiet and assess. Before Picasso breaks for me and everything turns wonky. And this is new and tentative, but I think I can learn to save myself - before I fall apart. And knowing that this comes from the bottom of the barrel and I'm all naked in there, shouting anyway? As a woman in progress, I think that means there is truth in it. And hard work. Yes, that too ;) But I'm good with that - there's courage and hope in finding something to work with!

So how are you?! Do you know how to break?

style

Of course I've been drawing outside again :D Although not as much as I would have liked to - but there you go. Such is life, such is my life in many aspects at the moment. Still trying to find balance, still sucking at it ;) A work in progress...

But stuff is happening, though! Inspired by this book, a tip from Jodi on her very inspiring blog, I sort of came to a conclusion about my style. My outside style. What I know and love - pen and watercolours - will work beyond these walls, too. Why not?! I can work on being faster, I can work on being a little less into detail, but I don't need to reinvent myself! Hindsight, I really don't get why I made such a big ado about it all - I guess it was nerves about taking the show on the road in the first place ;) Sometimes, apparently, it takes a lot of hard thinking & going round in circles to find you were alright & okay to start with. Hmm! I send myself on wild goose chases! No wonder I can't seem to find balance :D

Here's what I drew on Mother's Day after deciding to stick to what I know:

A little work-in-progress :) Fun to see myself working when I didn't even notice the pictures being taken :) I've found out I'm not as sensitive to my surroundings (specifically: people!) when drawing outside as I thought I'd be - which is another good thing to know! It makes it much easier to plonk myself down somewhere, regardless, and draw!

And here's the final image, some details - involving a bit of creative license - drawn from a bench in the sun, while Amsterdam was busy all around me:

And, last Saturday, I had an art date with Koosje, who actually got me thinking about taking my art outside in the first place :D We met online through Stephanie Levy's Creative Courage e-course and this was the second time we saw each other in real life - while she is already awesome on the 'net, she's even more fun in person :D We spent a really cool afternoon chatting, drawing & painting outside in Amsterdam, which will definitely be repeated! Here's (part of) the loot:

This may sound cheesy, but to heck with it: YAY - from my toes! - to new friends with creative habits!! We should all examine what we loved most when we were kids and find people who'll take it beyond kindergarten with us!! That really is awesome & I'm so grateful :D

Here's to old and new friends who've been out drawing with me - to many more chat & draw dates to come :D This really is a style of getting together and hanging out that I could get used to :D

loot

These are the drawings I came home with after working outside - or at least in public ;) - last week :D

This was lunch on the 26th, on an art date with a friend :) We did lots of walking and talking, and we even managed to draw some :) Lovely day!!

Another art date on Saturday, with a friend in Gouda, to make up for the missed Sketchcrawl the week before :) We sat on a park bench in the garden of a museum, surrounded by beautiful old buildings - but I ended up challenging myself with angles again. I figure the only way to get better is to keep trying ;)

On the way back from Gouda, we ended up in a traffic jam because of road works. And I decided to take out my sketchbook :D I'm really starting to dig the idea of bringing it everywhere :D

And here's my lovely boy. His back, anyway ;) I am having such a hard time with realistic faces... I maimed him in the drawing I did before (which I tore out of my sketchbook, totally going against principles. It really was that bad!). But then I was struck with the brilliant idea that I could focus on his cute little backside ;) The pockets on this pair of jeans are stitched low - just so you know - that wasn't me missing the truth again ;)

That last drawing, on Queen's Day (celebrating the Dutch Queen's BD, fleamarkets everywhere and people wearing lots of orange)? I did it in the park, on the playground, sat on a bench, surrounded by throngs of people! I'm definitely getting braver, and I'm really starting to love just going with the flow! Sure, I hesitated, but I did it, anyway :D

When last did you do something anyway? I'd love to hear :)

again

Yup. Been at it again! Yesterday morning, I spent an hour at the end of the street, sketching this:

They were working on the road, so there was sand. Squirt entertained himself and didn't ask once if we could go home! I've got an awesome kid, you know?! :)

It's hard to shut up my inner critic when it comes to loving what I come home with when drawing outside (I love the clouds, though!). For now. I have discovered that my usual style of drawing needs a table and a chair. And a lot of time for detail. It's good to know these things. It means I need to work on a new style, more suited for quicker sketches in uncomfortable positions. Which means I need to practice and do this as often as I can. I should, and I will :) All I'm asking for is slightly warmer temps... But to be on the safe side, I bought all three of us (very cheap & flammable) blankets to keep us warm on outings until Spring really comes to play. See, I'm totally taking this seriously :)

Jodi (of Art by Wiley, a lovely daily blog you should really check out!) mentioned this drawing challenge the other day.  Here's Jen's list:

1. Draw what’s on your desk in front of you.
2. Draw your pet (or someone else’s if you don’t have one).
3. Draw the contents of your refrigerator.
4. Draw the dream you had last night (or the last one you can remember).
5. Draw a picture inspired by your favourite song (or just pick a line from a song).
6. Draw your letterbox (if you’re letterbox is particularly uninteresting, or if you don’t have one, look here for inspiration).
7. Draw your morning cup of coffee.
8. Draw your favourite outfit (get some inspiration here)
9. Draw an iconic building in the town where you live (or the town where you were born, perhaps?).
10. Draw your favourite drawing tools and pay homage them. Because let’s face, they are awesome and we’d be lost without them.

And wouldn't you know, the building above - thought maybe not exactly iconic - fits the list! It's number 9, because I've decided it is ;) That means I'm in, I think :) Seeing that I've spent more time online than with my sketchbook lately, I figure I could do with a bit of a challenge. Get me off the couch! I won't be doing all of these outside. That's another challenge. And I'm on that - as you can see! But anything that helps me put the pigments to the page is good for me right now! I'm not sure I'll finish these in a week, like Jen suggests, or even that I get to all of them. But that's okay with me. Like I said - anything that helps... helps, you know? :)

Want to join, too? Or are you facing another challenge right now? I'd love to hear what you're up to!

brave

Master piece? Yes, I think so :) 

Because I got away with drawing this quite inconspicuously, but... this is a busy corner in Amsterdam, and I got my sketchbook and paint out anyway :D

P.S. Yup. I just noticed... I predated this drawing ;)

public

It's been about 5 months since I did this and promised myself I'd do more of it... And it's not like I hadn't been thinking about it. But drawing & painting outside is one of the contradictions in my life. As in - I want to, I really do! The abundance of inspiration! The practise! The freedom, too!

& then there is the Fear. The Fear of Doing It. I want to say, I really don't know what it is!, because I could comfortably hide behind that ;) But I do know. It's the idea of looking stupid. The fear of people coming over to see what I'm doing, and them walking away thinking - oh my gosh, she thinks she can draw?!

But the want and the need won, this weekend :) I bought an outdoor watercolour box out of my first earnings (YAY!!), and sat down to sketch and paint on a freezing beach and in the freezing woods on Friday! Hardly anyone there, so it was a great place to start ;)

And since it was so cool - I mean, it really felt great, not to have to wait to break out the paints till we got home - I plucked up the courage to take my stuff to Artis Zoo again yesterday, and do some more public displays of creativity there :)

Of course I'm not completely comfortable with the whole thing quite yet, nor completely happy with what came out of it - but I did it, and that's what matters :) Practise. I need practise. And who knows? I might actually get some ;) Today we're  off and out again, and my paints will travel along. To bring the stuff is always the first step, courage will & does follow, slowly but for sure :)

What's your fear? What are you facing up to? I'd love to hear!

Day 13

This was scary! I'd wanted to try drawing outside, in a public space for ages, but I just wasn't brave enough. Yet. Today, I brought my art journal and some not much used supplies (crayons and felt tips) to Artis Zoo. I wasn't sure they were going to leave the bag I carried, but bringing them made me feel good :)

Until we got to the Butterfly Pavilion, where it's nice and tropical, and I could sit down on the floor. This is not necessarily what I wanted to draw - I would have prefered to draw an animal, but this was the spot we chose to sit, so this was the stuff that ended up in my journal :) I brought paper for Squirt too, and we sat drawing together, which was awesome! It was cool to hear people whisper that it was a great idea!

I'm totally impressed with myself :) I'll be doing more of this! I'm grateful that today I plucked up courage and drew in a public space, with unfamiliar media & a subject I wouldn't have picked naturally. I stepped outside my comfort zone in a big way, and it was amazing! I really needed something like this right now :)